Sometimes I sit back and reflect over my life. I think about where my mind was at 18 versus today. I had everything figured out by the time I graduated high school. I knew what I wanted my major to be and what career I wanted. Once I started college things changed and I started to get to know myself. My wants kept changing. I went from major to major because I wasn’t sure of what I wanted or what I wanted to be. It seemed like the older I got the less I knew. While everyone around me moved forward I was moving backwards or standing still. As much as I loved getting the full college experience during the years that I lived on campus I kind of regret it. Looking at this pile of student loan debt I can’t help but ask myself was it worth it? Is being in debt for over 100k worth it? What has really changed since finishing college? The only difference now is that now the lower jobs don’t want to hire me because they feel like I’m “overqualified” or think that I won’t stick around. I know they probably see my master’s degree on my application or resume, and probably think this girl won’t stick around. I was even told that after an interview. I was told that I was aiming too low. The crazy thing is I probably would’ve stuck around longer than most people because of my need for money and getting Navient off my back. It was always hard job searching and getting the jobs you want to call you back, but now I don’t even get the jobs I don’t want to call me back. How sad is that? At least before my degrees I would get callbacks for lower jobs that had little to no requirements.
As I reflect on everything I wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I have even gone to college? Knowing that this big pile of debt is there just taunts me. I get physically sick just thinking about. When they tell me that my monthly bill would be around 1,500 a month (and that’s not counting my private loan) I don’t know what I’m going to do to be honest. They are dreaming if they think they are getting that. They’re dreaming if they think they will get half of that. I just don’t have it. Every now and again I kick myself for choosing this path. I think about the what ifs. What if I never went to college? What if I did online school from the beginning and not spent those years on campus? Maybe my total would be lower and not in the 6-figure range. I know looking back doesn’t help, and all those “should’ve could’ve would’ve” doesn’t help. Yes, I wish I could go back and change my decisions, but the fact is that I cannot. There’s no time machine or futuristic gadgets that I could use to redo part of my life. All I can do now is move forward.
I can’t dwell on the past because it’s gone, and if I keep looking back I’m going to miss what’s in front of me. Yes, it has been rough trying to put my life together. Sometimes it feels like I will never be able to get my life together, but I know that is a lie. I might not be where I thought I would be or wish that I was. I also might get judged and laughed at because I’m so lost and behind at this age. I had friends who walked away, because I wasn’t on their “level” as far as having a stable job and career. I wasn’t moving up. It affected me so much that I started to keep people at arm’s length after that because I thought if the people that I knew for years could judge me then of course strangers or potential new friends would. I just didn’t want to go through the embarrassment, so I kept my inner circle very small. I focused on the people who loved me and focused on my life.
Even though I always had down moments, I never let life keep me down. I don’t know why, but I always feel like things will work itself out. I have always seen myself as an optimist pretending to be a pessimist, because no matter how bad it looks I always feel that things will come together. In my heart I feel that I will prevail, and no matter how it looks right now I know that it’s only temporary. If you asked me: “How am I so sure?” I couldn’t give you an answer. I couldn’t put it into words because it’s more of a feeling. Some people just know when they’re destined for more. It’s comparable to a flame that burns inside of you. That flame represents that strong desire, and if that desire is still there then that flame is still burning. Don’t let no one blow out that flame, not even yourself. I always knew that I was destined for greatness. It’s something I knew ever since I was a child, and I will NOT let a setback deter me away from that. As the William Shakespeare saying goes “Some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” I’ve always considered myself as the one with greatness thrust upon them, but now I’m starting to think that I’m a little of all three. Maybe we all are.