Depression is something I always struggled with off and on since I was a preteen. It wasn’t as hard of a battle until I reached my 20’s, but it probably started half way through 19. Once I realized how unpredictable life was my depression intensified. As soon as I got off track I started to worry and the older I got the more lost I was. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. There were also other things going on in my life and it was hard to balance it all. I felt like I was just existing instead of living most of the time. There were some days where I just didn’t get out of bed. Anybody ever see that Roseanne episode Darlene Fades to Black? Well that was me minus the attitude. I would just lay around, watch tv or sleep because it was better than facing reality. I would hide under the covers and watch the day fade away. I just felt like a loser. I felt like everyone had everything figured out and everything seemed easier for other people. Why did everything seem so much harder for me? Simple tasks felt like I was using so much energy.
I had 2 long breaks between college. Both times were about a year, which is why it took me so long to finally finish my degree. During those long breaks I just felt like a failure. The first time I left school was mainly a mistake. It was different from my first school and I didn’t know at this school you had to do everything yourself. I missed the deadline and they were out of dorms. I had to stay home. I don’t know why, but everything felt different. Everything at home changed. The whole vibe was different at the time. For the first time it didn’t feel like home. I just wanted to be back at school. I don’t know if it was the stress or depression, but I just started getting bad acne. I never had to deal with serious acne through my teenage years, but suddenly it was like my face had exploded. It was like cystic bumps covering my whole face and it was also dark in color, so it was so hard to hide it. I literally stayed inside for a month, and the times I left after that I would only go to places that I knew no one would be. I felt so insecure about everything. My doctor prescribed me this 125-dollar antibiotic, and that helped. After that I only had to worry about post acne marks, but it was no longer raised. The marks started to fade a little. I was finally able to go back to school the next fall term. I was so excited to be back at school. I felt like it was another chance to get things together.
The second break I had I left school after a certain incident. It was hard to focus on my school work and I stopped going to class. I was so emotional all the time. I wore shades a lot of the time because I would cry randomly while I was out walking around campus. I’m the type of person who hates showing emotion around people, so it was very hard for me to be emotional all of the time. I finally realized that I needed to go home and be surrounded by family and seek therapy. I never did go back to that school, even though I wanted to that following semester. I didn’t have the funds to go so that’s how I ended up taking that yearlong break. I was also in a toxic relationship at that time (Remember Sam & Ron from Jersey shore?), and I just felt drained. I was drained from everything. Everything felt like a battle, and nothing seemed easy or even normal. It was hard or harder. At this time, I had the company that I had my private loan through demand that I had to start paying money or else. At that time, I had no idea that unlike federal loan, private loans don’t wait until you graduate. It’s a certain time where you have to start paying now. You can read my last post if you want to hear more about that. Fast-forward through all the drama and I was back in school that next year. I started to take classes online. My federal loans covered everything, and I didn’t have to seek outside loans. I ended up finishing my bachelors and getting my masters at this school.
I thought after I finished my masters I would get a new chance to start life. I left my draining job that I had for almost 4 years, and I finished my degree a few months later and I thought my life could finally start. No more stressful and draining low paying job and school is finally over. There’s a light at this tunnel. As I began applying for many jobs and not receiving any call backs I started to feel like it was me. Why don’t they want me? What is wrong with me? Out of 100 or more applications I only got 3 interviews and I didn’t get the job. I started to take it personal and it made me feel bad about myself. I started to wonder what it could be. I don’t have a criminal record. I never did drugs. I’m always friendly and pleasant. Even though I’m quite shy and introverted I always try my best to be more open in interviews. In these situations, you usually get an email telling you that you didn’t get the job, but I wish they would give out a critique. If it’s me I want to know what I did wrong, so I could do better next time. I did run into one of the people that interviewed me, and the person told me that I didn’t do anything wrong I was just overqualified. I know a lot of people with a master’s degree goes through this sometimes. You might have the education, but you’re lacking in experience to get the higher jobs. When you aim for the little job your education keeps you from getting it, so your best bet is to know someone in high places. After a while I just fell in a funk. I wouldn’t do anything but lay around. I gained over 30 pounds in less than a 5 months span. I felt like I had nothing left. My hope was gone, and I couldn’t help but think how am I going to pay these loans, and will they keep letting me push them back? I was so tired, and I didn’t know what was going to happen.
Today I still don’t have a job. I’m still looking daily, but I’m feeling much better now. I’m not letting this situation define me. I may not know why this is happening, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I might not understand now, but I’m sure I will understand later. Maybe something greater is in store for me and that’s why nothing is working out. You never know. In the meantime, I will share how I cope with my depression and how I’m starting to become happy regardless of my situation. Stay tuned for the next post for that. 🙂