JustGottaMakeIt

            I really want to be positive, but it has been a rough couple of weeks. Lately I’ve been trying to keep my mind in a better state and not try to think negative, but I feel drained to be honest. I feel like I don’t have any control over my life, and it’s always something going on that I have to worry about. I just want to catch my breath for a minute. I want to make it through a month without worrying about my health, if I’m going to ever find a job, how am I going to pay 128k in school loans and other things that are happening in my personal life that I don’t even want to mention. Everything around me feels unstable. I just want to feel like I have some control over my life and it’s like everybody else has control over my life but me. At this point I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve applied and applied and when I thought I was getting somewhere things fell through again. I just can’t catch a break. I know next week or the week after that I might feel differently. I might get my second wind and continue to keep going and push through. The fire inside of me might continue to burn with desire, but as of right now my light seems dim. I feel weak. I feel hopeless. I feel tired. I keep telling myself that this is a setback, and I’m going to get my comeback very soon, but after a while you start to wonder if you’ll ever leave the waiting place. You start to wonder if you will ever get unstuck. I can’t keep looking back and thinking about all the things I regret (like college and these loans), or what I should’ve done differently because it’s not going to change anything. I feel like I’m drowning, and I just want to finally be content at least. I wish I had some encouraging words to give and I would like to end this post on a positive note, but quite frankly I don’t have the energy. I really hope by the next post I will be singing a different tune. I just want you to see that I don’t always think positive. I have my down moments. I get depressed and fall into these black holes every now and then. I’m human and it’s hard trying to look past a situation that’s been going on for so long. If I knew then what I know now I would’ve appreciated my childhood a little more. I wouldn’t have been in a rush to grow up. If I could give advice to any child entering adolescence, I would say please don’t be in a hurry to grow up. Enjoy your childhood and cherish every moment. Once it’s over you can never go back. Enjoy it while you can.