The world can be kind of confusing for us women. We’re told that we should have children (or at least our first child) in our twenties because it’s better on our bodies and the older we get the tougher it is on us. We start think that we are on a time clock, and the idea of marriage automatically goes on a time clock with it. I haven’t been hit with the panic of being married because I was married before thirty, but I felt the pressure of the clock to have kids. I kept thinking about how I didn’t want to be an old parent and how I don’t want to have a risky pregnancy. The truth is I shouldn’t have thought about any of that before my life was in order first. It’s different for men, because they don’t have to worry about giving birth (not saying that they don’t still feel the pressure of starting a family at a certain age). If you read my previous blogs, then you know my current situation. To wrap it up in once sentence: I’m a college graduate with 2 degrees and I’ve been job searching for 1.5 years. I never knew the importance of having your ish together before sharing your life and becoming a unit.
I got married after I got my bachelors, but before I finished my masters. I was in grad school when I got married. I had dreams of moving to a city where I lived previously years ago and starting a career. My plans went into a different direction once I got married. He has a stable job in the city we live in, so I figured I would just adapt. I live in an area with very little opportunity, especially in my field. I worked a mediocre job that any teen could do while I was working on my degrees. I quit my job while I was a few months away from finishing my masters. I took a short break after I finished and started my jobs search. I won’t go into details because I wrote about my whole journey in the previous posts, but let’s just say I’ve been unsuccessful finding a job. The job search has been a complete nightmare. It started to affect my marriage. It’s still affecting my marriage. This has been the hardest time in my life. I never saw myself being in the position at this point in my life. Sometimes I wonder if we will make it. I can’t force jobs to hire me, so what can I do? It takes a lot out of you when you apply to jobs and don’t get any callbacks, or when you do finally get an interview and you just can’t seal the deal. Even a job agency doesn’t help, so what now? I can’t make a job appear out of my ass, and it’s hard when people constantly throw shots about it (whether it’s done as a joke or not). It’s a sensitive subject and I guess not everyone gets that unless they’re in the same situation. It’s hard when you’re feeling the pressure while you’re on your own, but when someone else is adding to it, it feels like an unbearable emotional/mental load to carry.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I know we feel like we are on a time clock and we get into things before we’re actually ready because we get wrapped up in the moment. I’m not saying that I regret it, and that you shouldn’t get married until you have everything together, but it will be harder if you’re not in a stable position beforehand. It might be different for others who are given the option by their spouse that it’s okay if they work or not, but if your other half wants you to work then you might feel twice the pressure. It can start to really affect the relationship. It’s important to be where you want to be and love yourself. I knew from the beginning that being with someone who worked was important to him, but I never saw myself in this position. I thought finding a job would be easier than this. It’s tough when you disappoint yourself and the person you love. It can break you.
My future is unclear, and I have no idea what will happen. I can only hope that everything happens for a reason I just can’t see it right now. There’s a reason why these jobs didn’t call me back. There’s a reason why my past interviews weren’t successful. There’s a reason why going through a job agency wasn’t successful. There’s a reason for it all, but I just can’t see it yet. I feel like I’m getting prepared for something big, but I have to go through the storm first. It’s molding me for the greatness that’s about to happen. My faith is being tested. My marriage is being tested. My mental state is being tested. I have to believe everything is happening because something greater is about to come from it. My rainbow will come after this storm. It has to come, and I will appreciate it so much more because I know what it’s like to be a complete mess not knowing what will happen. I been down for too long. Change just has to come soon.