Can I be a little more Vulnerable for a second?

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        Hello world! During the past few weeks I have been feeling a little off. As a person who has suffered from depression on and off through life, I usually can identify the feeling once it comes. I’m not sure what I’m feeling exactly this time. I guess you could say I’m feeling everything all at once. I feel sad, mad, overwhelmed, happy, inspired, perplexed, optimistic, scared, insecure yet confident and a little stunted, as far as growth in life. Usually when I’m kind of all over the place I tend to just say that I am feeling magenta. If you’re a fan of the Golden Girls, then you know exactly what I mean. I feel like my life is in slow motion and everything and everyone around me is going at a fast pace.

        I thought about my blog, and why I started it. I knew there were more people out there dealing with the same issues as me. I wanted to record my journey and create a safe space for others who are going through the same thing. I wanted it to be a space for them to be understood and not judged for being stuck, and life going completely different than you thought it would. I wanted to share stories and show the world if I can make it anyone can. When one wins, it feels like we all win. It gives us hope. Well, lately it just feels like maybe I am not helping as much as I hoped. Maybe people aren’t reading anymore, or maybe it’s just not what people are into. I’m not sure. I am glad that I recorded my highs and lows (even though it looks more like lows). It will be something I can look back at to see how far I’ve come when I do finally get there.

        I try to open up as much as I can on here, but sometimes when I don’t have any positive news I might stay away because I don’t want every blog to be negative. But honestly, I decided to be a little more open and vulnerable. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat the situations. I’m going to look at this like it’s my diary, because maybe no one will see this. I hoped to reach others, but if not then that’s okay. Either way I have to believe that this blog will be helpful in some ways, if not to others then to me. I hope it’s something I can look back at and see how I overcame through all my setbacks and failures.

        In my previous posts I mentioned how I work on a ton of projects in hopes that one of them works out. It keeps me occupied during the waiting process. This past Tuesday I hit a wall. It always seems like every time I get close something happens. A big roadblock comes out of nowhere and gets in my way. I was so frustrated that I was almost brought to tears. I told myself that I was done and that I wanted to throw in the towel. Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to succeed. Maybe I am a mediocre person who won’t fulfill their dreams. So many negative thoughts filled my head. I just couldn’t believe the luck I’ve had the past 2 years. Sometimes I really don’t understand why things happen. I made this page so others who are in the same boat as me won’t feel alone, but now it’s like I feel more alone then when I started. I just hope that one of these posts at least helps one person.

        So, to all the college graduates out there who has student loans stacked up to the sky and no entry position job calls you in for an interview I just want to say keep pushing. I hope you make it! I hope your setbacks were for a good reason and better things are yet to come. If you are a person who was once stuck in the degree-job limbo and you made it through, please share your journey I would love to hear it. I love a good success story and right now I need a little motivation. I just have so many failures under my belt that the thought of succeeding just seems so farfetched now. I’m going to end this post here. Please pray for me or send positive vibes my way. XOXO

                 -Elle


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