Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my faith. I was hesitant on if I should even post this, but I told myself I was going to be more open and allow myself to be vulnerable. I initially told myself to steer away from topics that might make others uncomfortable, but I want to be completely open and authentic. I come from a family of great faith. Since I was a kid, I felt a connection to God. When I was a little girl, I used to look out of my window and talk to him before bed. Being a Christian wasn’t all that I was, but it was a huge part of me. There were times where I questioned things as a lot of us do, but I always managed to not stray. Through every hardship I faced I managed to push through and pray through the pain. We praise God when great things happen and we praise him during our times of despair, but last fall my faith hit a rock. To be quite honest it waivered a lot in the last two years. It’s been one of the hardest times in my life and when you’re constantly praying about the same things for years it can become a little harder to keep praying. It felt like God had stop listening. Maybe I’m just spoiled because I never really had to wait long for God to answer my prayers. He always made a way out of no way, but during the last 2 years I felt like I was alone.
If you read my previous post from last year then you know I lost multiple people towards the end of last year. A couple were unexpected and out of nowhere, but one was more of a gradual process. My aunt was one of the best people that you would ever want to meet. She was loving to everyone and would give the shirt off her back. She was extremely generous and patient. She touched so many lives with her kind spirit. It just seemed like if God would have granted anyone a miracle, it would be her. I prayed and I fasted for God to grant her a miracle, as did many others. I come from a big family and I am very familiar with lost, but this one rocked everyone to their core. Life just felt different after she left this earth (It still feels different). It felt like there was a permanent dark cloud over our family. Ever since then I just felt spiritually broken. I felt detached from God and I was full of anger. I no longer listened to sermons or played worship music. Even stepping into a church (without a service going on) made me feel uncomfortable. At first, I tried to force it. I tried to feel something, but I felt numb and hollow. I eventually took a step back.
I started to question everything. I even started to ponder if there was a God. I never thought that I would ever ask that question at this age, and then I thought about something that I always seem to go to whenever my faith waivers. I thought about what happened to me as a kid. When I was 11 years old, I would attend a function with my friends every month. It would happen once or twice a month. A bunch of kids from a bunch of different schools would come to community building for a Lock In. We would hang out with other kids in a large gymnasium. They would play music and order pizza. They had busses for kids who wanted to go skating or swimming at one of the indoor pools. We loved it! One of those nights I was on the top of the bleachers and the top bleacher was raised higher than the others. I had a plate of pizza in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. I tried to ease one foot down as slowly as I could (considering that it was a bigger step), but I still fell. As soon as I fell all I could see was a blur, and it happened so fast. All of a sudden, I was at the bottom and all I remember thinking in that moment is how embarrassed I felt falling in front of everyone. As soon as I looked up expecting the worst, I was pleasantly surprised that no one was looking at me. Everyone on the bleachers was talking to their friends and not paying any attention to me. I thought that was weird, but I was still curious if anyone saw it. My best friend was in the pizza line so I went up to her asking if she saw it. I remember going up to her saying “I just fell down the bleachers, did you see anything?” She replied back saying no and that she was sorry she missed it, and proceeded to laugh like most friends do. After that I didn’t question it. I was just relieved that no one saw me fall. We all know how embarrassing falling can be for a child, especially in a gymnasium filled with people.
Once I got a little older, I realized how unnatural that was. How on earth did I fall from top to the bottom of the bleachers without getting hurt? How did I make it to the bottom without bumping into someone? There were a lot of people sitting on the bleachers, especially in the middle and the bottom. It was almost impossible. I didn’t feel a thing. It all happened so fast. I just remember seeing a blur, as if the Flash caught me as soon as I fell and brought me down to the bottom before anyone could realize it (If you’re not a DC Comics fan you probably won’t get that reference). It was so surreal, and it was something that science could not have explained. It couldn’t have been anyone or anything, but GOD! That incident could have gone a completely different way. To this day I still get anxiety around bleachers without railings. If they don’t have a railing I will sit on my butt and scoot down. I thank God for keeping me safe. It’s always a reminder that miracles can happen and there’s something out there that’s bigger than what could ever be scientifically explained. Yes, I had a moment of doubt, but I KNOW that God is Real. I can’t say that my relationship with God is where it was 6 to 8 months ago, but I know it will get there through healing.
Dealing with grief is hard. I lost so many people that being at funerals instantly gives me panic attacks. I am so tired of losing people. I don’t know how much more my family can take, but we will go on and continue to keep our loved ones’ memory alive. They will forever be in our hearts. I might not be where I want to be spiritually, but I am in a better headspace than I was 2 months ago. It’s going to take time and a lot more healing. It’s just part of the process. If anyone who may be going through the same thing right now and you’re reading this just know that you’re not alone. You might feel guilty for feeling angry or ashamed for feeling what you’re feeling, but it’s okay. You just have to heal. It gets better. Losses are tough and you can’t get over it overnight. Well, you might not ever get over it, but you will get through it.