Lately I’ve been going back to feeling extremely tired again. I’ve been pretty much dropping the ball the past few weeks. A part of me feels like it’s the Christmas season and I should give myself a break. I’ve made some amazing strides in my journey the past few months and it’s okay to relax a little and enjoy the season. Another part of me is telling myself that I can’t press pause because I have to make up for lost time. I have to push harder, even more than before. I can’t lose sight of my goals. I’m still too far away from first base. I was working towards my goals every day and I was loving the consistency, but I am so exhausted mentally and physically. Maybe it’s because this is the most consistent that I have ever been, but it still isn’t enough. I know that I have to go harder, and I fear that I might not have what it takes. Or maybe it’s because I keep adding tasks to my plate instead of taking some away. I told myself I would stop spreading myself too thin and narrow down everything that I really want to do, but my fears won’t let me. My fear is telling me that I need multiple back up plans, and that my back plans need back up plans. So many resources are telling me to start with one thing and once you strike oil then you can expand onto new ventures. My fear is that I will pick the wrong thing to start with and waste time more time. So instead of putting all of my eggs in one basket, I give a little of myself to everything which is slowing down my process anyway.
I have to start giving my all to something so I can start seeing a strong positive change in this long-drawn-out journey. I feel like I narrowed my list down a bit earlier this year and put a few projects on hold, but it’s not enough. It’s still too much on my plate. I’m only becoming more exhausted. I have to find that same energy that I had in October/early November. I feel like I was in turbo mode, which could be the reason why I am so tired now, but I can’t lose that spark. Now the sparks just come in waves, but I need them to return fulltime. I’ve been pacing myself and being consistent with a lot of things since June. I was taking things slow and gradually adding things to my daily routine and things were moving along smoothly, but then I started piling on tasks and ended up with too much on my plate. Consistency has always been a huge struggle for me and even though I came a long way this year I still have miles to go. I’ve often compared myself to a wild horse who cannot be tamed and resist any type of structure and routine, but I’m trying to break in my inner wild horse and conform to the ways of these successful tycoons. I just have to fight through it day by day. It’s all a part of the journey. I just have to stay strong and keeping pushing.