Hello again, it’s been a while. I told myself that I wouldn’t write another post until I had a positive update. I wanted to share good news or at least something helpful in my next post. Unfortunately, this won’t be the positive post that I had in mind.
Recently, my whole world got turned upside down. I lost my father. I never felt this kind of pain before, and that says a lot because if you’ve read my previous posts, you know I’ve lost a lot of people in the last 5 years. It’s almost unreal. My heart is completely broken. He was the best dad ever! He was also one of my best friends. I couldn’t have asked for a better father. I remember when this nightmare first started last year. I posted this post ( https://ellerey.com/2020/05/12/wake-me-up-from-this-nightmare-pray/ ) and I was an emotional wreck. Months later things were going great, and I thought I would be able to post an update about how everything turned out great. I don’t know what happened, but things just started to go in a different direction. We thought we had more time with him. All of a sudden, things just kept happening and one day he was gone. None of us got to say goodbye, and that’s what hurts the most.
What do you do now? How do you go on? I feel like a part of me has changed. I don’t feel like the person I once was. I’m trying to find the good in life. I’m sad, angry, numb, heartbroken, depressed, and tired. I’m constantly trying to get back to my old routine, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I listened to a lot of people who have gone through the same situation, and they all say the same thing. The pain never stops, you just learn how to go on. You don’t necessarily move on; you just learn how to carry on. My heart always went out to people who have experienced this, because I knew that it would be one of the most painful experience that one would go through.
I remember when I was in high school a girl in my class lost her father unexpectedly. She would barely make it to school. I would only see her about once or twice a month. After months and months went by the language teacher pulled her out into the hallway and tried to encourage her to get it together (I guess since she missed so many days). Tears was running down the girl’s face and all I could remember thinking was I don’t blame her. If I lost my father, I would be a complete wreck too. I don’t think I could make it to class everyday either. Now here I am over a decade later, in the same situation barely able to carry on. I knew losing a parent would be an unbearable feeling, and it feels just the way I thought it would.
To anyone who’s going through the same thing, I just want to send you a virtual hug. You can’t feel it, but just know it’s there. I never thought I would lose a parent at this age. For once, I actually feel young. I thought I would have around 20 more years with him (at least), but I guess you just never know. I hate that if I ever decide to have kids, they won’t have the chance to get to know him. His grandkids adored him. He was a wonderful husband, father, grandfather, and leader. He will be missed by so many people. Although I feel that I was robbed and he was taken from us way to soon, I’m glad that I got so many great memories.
If you have any tips on how to deal and stay sane (because some days, it feels like I’m losing it) please feel free to share in the comments below. I’ve tried almost all relaxation supplements and teas. I didn’t think they helped much until I stopped taking them and I was even more emotional (as if that was even possible). I also went back on my anxiety meds, but they make me so sleepy I only take them on the days the pain seems unbearable. I started exercising again and that helps sometimes. Besides my meds, the only thing that seems to really help is being around my siblings (which we try to do once a week). Let me know what helped you during such a dark time. I would love to hear suggestions from people who have experienced or currently experiencing this. Thanks in advance!
To all the people who still have both parents, give them a big hug. Take more pictures and videos. Tell them how much they mean to you. Make time for them, and if you live out of town try to make an effort to see them more. Family is so important, and death is unforgiving. There are no do overs, or more memories to be made. Make the most of each moment now!