Today is the start of a new month. Every day holds a new possibility for change, but since last month was such a rough one for me, I decided to make some changes. I only have one goal at the moment: stay sane and push forward. If you’ve read my last two blog posts then you know what’s going on with me. As hard as it is I’m still trying to find the strength to push through. It’s hard trying to find positivity in a world that’s full of pain and sorrow, but I have to do it because I can’t lose myself in the process. It’s so easy for me to give up and succumb to all of these emotions. It’s easy for me to sink into this couch and become lifeless like a zombie. As much as it pains me, I have to find that inner strength to move forward.
I’m going to open up and get really candid for a second. The first month of dealing with this grief I made it through by chugging relaxation/calming teas, cbd gummies, ashwagandha gummies, and a relaxation vape filled with essential oils. That kept me 25% stable, but it wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t turn to alcohol (an old habit during rough times), because I felt nauseous everyday for like 40 days straight. A shot just made me feel sicker. So, what to do next? What could ease this heartache? I talked to my doctor and went back on an old anxiety medication that I used to take. It helps but you feel extremely tired for like 24 hours or more. Of course, feeling tired is better than feeling pain. I only took it when I felt like I was breaking down. My emotions were just all over the place and I just didn’t know how to handle them, so for the very first time in life I tried edibles. I made it through high school and college without ever trying anything wilder than alcohol. I easily said no and didn’t even feel a bit tempted to ever try anything marijuana related. Well, up until this point. Just like many others I had a freak out and it was crazy, but I also wasn’t thinking about my pain. I tried a few more times, but after the 3rd time it was never the same. It just didn’t work anymore. I then realized that I was turning to the wrong things. These emotional band aids are just temporary. So, what’s next? What do I do?
Well without all of my quick fixes I’ve been forced to just deal completely. I felt like I was dealing at a 75% rate before, because let’s be honest not much could cover up this kind of pain. So, I screamed, I cried and felt every single emotion until I was empty. All of a sudden there was a day or two of numbness and then the madness starts all over again. So what helps? Well, one thing I’ve been doing is a lot of exercising. Working out once or twice a day. I started doing it to drop a few pounds, but I realized that since I’ve been doing it I’ve been feeling a little more stable. It’s a great way to just zone out and push through. Sometimes it’s emotional while I’m working out, but afterwards I feel a little bit stronger. It’s almost like therapy.
Outside of exercise, I found that rotating hobbies can also be helpful. At first, I was looking for only one thing to help give me some kind of peace or moment of joy. I then realized that sometimes you just do what you have to do just to push through, whether it’s something artistic/creative or something that might sound trivial to others (it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s safe). What works this week might not work next week. Grief is tough, especially when it’s one of the biggest losses that one can experience. I can’t expect to just be the same person that I was before. I can either do what I can to make sure I get through this, or I can let myself go and lose who I am completely. I’m not a quitter. Sometimes it might take me a bit longer to pull myself up, but I’m not out of the game. I understand that I will have days where I will cry uncontrollably. I understand that there will be moments where I won’t stay on task or hit daily goals and that’s okay. I have to tell myself that it’s okay to grieve. I just have to take it day by day, moment by moment.
For now, I’m going to continue to exercise and change up my diet to become a little bit healthier. I’m going to indulge in self-care routines to help provide balance. I will continue to tap into my creative side and enjoy things like writing, drawing, coloring, videography and just putting things together. I will also proceed to keep on learning and expanding my knowledge. And if there’s a moment when I need to just binge watch a show or play videogames to get out of my own mind, then I will do so, unapologetically. It all comes down to protecting your mental health and focus on the things that will bring you joy. How do you cope? What have you found that works for you? Please share in the comments below!