Today I had another topic in mind, but I decided to be transparent with how I’m feeling in this moment. I didn’t really feel like writing anything today, but sometimes I know writing/journaling can help. Lately I just been feeling so emotionally drained. I want to recognize anybody who has lost a parent and still pushing through. Your strength is incredible. I know most people say that their kids are what keeps them going. I just keep thinking maybe things would be different if I was a mom. Trying to move forward is like trying to push a car up a hill. It’s exhausting. Some people say once you get through all the firsts, it gets a little better. The first holidays and birthdays have been rough without him, and with Christmas around the corner it’s just hard to deal with it. I just hope it goes by fast. I’ve been trying my best to push through and follow through with certain deadlines that I have set, but I am depleted. My mom, siblings and I are trying our best to get through this the best way we can, and it’s just feels like an impossible situation.
There’s a popular show on Netflix called MAID, that’s based off a true story. One of the scenes that stuck out to me was when the main character fell into a depression, and they showed her sinking into the couch. It’s like she was there, but she wasn’t at the same time. I know that feeling all too well. I used to call it zombie-robot mode. It’s when you just feel numb, and you mentally check out. I was there physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. That’s what I felt after a past traumatic incident I had years ago. Now it’s like I’m going back in forth into that state of mind, but I’m trying my best to push through it. The stress is wreaking havoc on my body. Between the stress rashes I haven’t had since grad school to the shaking I haven’t had since that incident in the past I don’t know how to stay calm. The way my body responds to stress now is insane, but I guess I’m not really surprised. This was always my biggest fear, and I knew when it happened that it would rock my whole world and flip it upside down. Now, I’m just trying to find ways to relax and stay calm.
The last couple of months I’ve been exercising on and off on the regular and that seemed to help a little, but sometimes it’s hard to push myself to do it. I’ve even went to my go-to energy drink that always seem to work, and lately I just can’t get into it. I just keep stopping during the warmup. I’ve been drinking extra caffeine these days to just find the energy to function. I know I can’t expect to be magically healed. It’s only been a few months, but it has been some torturous months. I’m not sure what I should do or how I should handle it. I’ve been through so many losses before, you would think I would know what to expect and how to handle this, but this is just way too close. I’m not sure if I should just go back to counseling, or if I should try other methods. It’s hard to believe that I was just in counseling the beginning of last year trying to deal with another loss. Maybe I need to consistently be on meds or maybe I need to go back to taking other alternatives (like cbd, hemp, ashwagandha, emotional ally drops, calming powder and my stress teas). I was taking all those other alternatives to medication the first 6 to 8 weeks trying to deal with it. I stopped because I thought they weren’t really working, until I noticed that there was a difference surprisingly. Who knew there was a step after horrible and heart wrenching? It’s just one of those situations where you can’t cover up that kind of pain. As much as I may want to cover it up, I’m just going to have to go through it (and I want to do that in the healthiest way possible).
Once again, I want to send my love to everyone who has lost a parent. I especially want to send out a virtual hug to anyone who’s going through their first holiday without a loved one. It’s so hard coming to grips with this new normal. I remember last Christmas feeling so blessed that he was still here. I made sure to spend the day with my parents since we didn’t have our usual dinner. He received amazing reports and I thought we were slowly getting back to normal, and then suddenly things went left earlier this year. I thought this Christmas we would all be back at the dinner table, and we would all look back on last year as a storm that we made it through. I’m definitely glad that I made sure to spend the evening with them, because I never would’ve thought that it would be the last Christmas with him. Please cherish your family and take every opportunity to make memories. Those memories are the best gifts that you can ever receive.
What were some of the things that helped you through tough times of grief? How did you make it through the first birthdays and holidays? Did you do something different and nontraditional to make it easier? Let me know in the comments below!