This month I reached my limit of trying to find the WHY in every situation. I always felt like I needed to know why things happen the way they do. I needed to know the WHY so everything could make sense. I hate when things happen, and I don’t have an answer for it. Why didn’t I get a certain job? Why was I often overlooked with even getting a callback? (When I was more than qualified.) Why do I keep hitting walls and I can’t seem to find my way? Why was I betrayed by people close to me? Why did certain things happen that led me to have to deal with PTSD for the rest of my life? Why was I more willing to do things for people that weren’t willing to do the same for me? Why does it feel like life constantly throws my family curve balls? Why did we have to lose so many people? Great phenomenal people who shed light and love to others. Why did they have to lose their life so early? Why were they cheated out of a longer life? Why were we cheated out of more memories with them? There are so many questions that goes through my mind day in and day out. I’m constantly trying to make sense of everything. When things seem to happen over and over again it starts to become really frustrating. I started to really obsess about the WHY. I need everything to make sense before I could move on, but after this month I’m done. I’m no longer searching for the WHY!
I realized that I was just torturing myself trying to figure out a reason for everything. In all honesty, there will be some things that I will never know the reason for and I’m going to have to accept that. At this point it’s causing me more pain. I have to accept that sometimes you’re not going to know why things always happen the way that they do. Sometimes things just can’t be explained. Other times things might become clear later on when you least expect it, so obsessing over it now does me no good. I can either let it continue to drive me crazy, or I can throw my hands up and be done with it. In a future post I will speak more in depth on the sudden change, and why I now feel capable of letting it go (something I could never do for years & years). After all the tears, doubt, breakdowns, fear, and chokeholds of depression, you reach a point where enough is enough. It’s a moment in your mind where the switch gets flipped, and you feel like this is your phoenix moment. This is the moment you feel like you’re finally rising from the ashes. Life can beat you down so much before you finally get up and start fighting back. Days after my last breakdown, I just looked up and told myself I’m done. I’m done feeling fragile. I’m done feeling weak. I’m taking back control! It’s Main Character Energy only!