Today, I want to talk about something that I’ve been having a really hard time with these days. If you’ve followed my posts from over the years, then you know how much I’ve been through these past years. Some things are self-inflicted I guess you could say, but most things I didn’t have control over. I didn’t have control over all the losses in my family. We loss so many people in the last 5 years it’s been insane. Some of the biggest personalities with the most loving and genuine heart. You can feel their absence every day. Age and natural causes weren’t even a factor. They were all gone too soon. Another thing that I could not control was the lack of job callbacks and offers.
Here’s a quick back story. In previous posts I mentioned how hard it was trying to find a job after grad school and how challenging it was to get a callback. I only had three interviews in the span of 1.5 years, none of them were successful. Even job agencies couldn’t help me. (I want to add that my city only had 2% unemployment rate at the time. Most jobs were full, and I had too much education for some jobs, and not enough experience for others.). I broaden my search and ended up at a physically challenging job with a high turnover rate. I knew I probably wouldn’t have last. I didn’t know if I would be physically capable of doing it, but I was desperate. At that time, I felt like my marriage depended on it. I already had a bad back and it became worse week by week doing that job. I was taking medicine and wearing a lot of icy hot patches every day. I would also take salt bath and used my heating pad every night when I got home. Doing all of that brought my pain level to a 7, or a 6 if I was lucky. If I didn’t do any of those steps, I would’ve been at a 9 or 10. Needless to say I didn’t last, and I ended up leaving with more problems than I had coming in. I was so frustrated because I felt so limited. One to two months after the job situation we had 3 losses in less than two months. Two were completely random. This was the end of 2019, so can you imagine how it felt going into a year like 2020 already feeling emotionally weak and broken. I felt like I could never catch my breath. There was always something. There I was, trying to deal with everything that was going on and my father gets sick. Things were starting to look up towards the end of 2020. He was getting good report after good report, and it looked like he was going to be fine. All of a sudden, he started getting sick again and was in and out the hospital in the early months of 2021, and it just kept on getting worse. He passed during the summer of last year and it rocked me to my core and shook my faith. As time goes by it gets harder, not easier. It feels like I’ve been trying to hold onto my sanity since.
Now here we are in 2022, and I’m just trying to push myself. There are two Bad Habits, that I’ve been trying to kick but I’ve been very unsuccessful. The first bad habit is sweets. It’s so hard letting go of sweets right now. Even when I don’t have any laying around, I am basically rummaging through my cabinets and drawers like an addict trying to find something sweet at 2 to 3 o’clock in the morning. My second bad habit is time management. I’m completely exhausted every day. I have to take so much caffeine to feel somewhat normal. I don’t like taking caffeine after 5:00 PM, so if it’s a skipped day I feel like a walking zombie. I’ve been trying to push myself and keep myself from sinking, but it’s so hard. Most days I just want to become one with the couch and just mentally check out. I’m just mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I was supposed to restart counseling last month, but I feel too exhausted to do that as well. I was going to get back on my anxiety meds, but that drains me for 24 – 36 hours. I couldn’t imagine taking that while I’m already so exhausted. It’s hard to do the simplest things. There were always certain things that could motivate me. There were times when I could always drop the weight and slow down on the sweets. I could work out for 5 to 6 days a week. Not saying that it was easy then, but it was moments when I was determined, and I was able to stay focused until I hit a certain goal. The outcome was worth it, and I would find that extra bit of willpower from within. Nowadays it seems almost impossible. I’m so exhausted mid workout and every step I take feels like it’s 10 times the work. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s just bad habits or if it’s grief and depression.
As of right now, I’m slowly making adjustments to my diet to try and see if it will help with my exhaustion and fatigue. I’m taking it slow, so I won’t get overwhelmed. I started with meat about a couple weeks ago, and I’m trying to wean off dairy and processed foods. It’s really challenging, but I’m trying not to waste more time. I just want to get to a point where I can have a daily routine, and complete simple tasks. The simplest things take so much energy to the point where it doesn’t seem normal, which is why it feels like more than just bad habits. It’s like I’m fighting myself every single day. This is what my mind looks like when I’m mentally trying to force myself to get up:
The last couple of years I’ve been obsessing over time. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time out of fear and just living life as a hermit. I know that there’s no set time on grief. After hearing other people (who are in the same boat as me, but years in) say it never gets easier, you just have to keep living, it makes me want to push myself. I want to do more than just exist. If I wait until I feel better, I may never continue. I have to make things happen. I have to get to a point where it feels like I’m living life. I need to get excited again and find joy in something. It feels like a big part of me left last year, and the things that used to excite me doesn’t have the same effect. So, I want to ask you (the reader), if you went through something similar how did you find your way back? How did you get out of that slump? When did you start to feel more like a person and less like a floating body? Please share in the comment section below!