JustGottaMakeIt

          Today I was reflecting on life. I feel like the last 9 months I have just been trying to stay sane. I wish there were a pause button to life, but unfortunately there is not one. You just have to keep moving. In a recent post I mentioned how the things that once brought joy and excitement doesn’t anymore. I just feel numb to so much now, but I will say that the ocean calms me. What is it about the ocean? Is it the sound of the waves that brings that feeling of tranquility or is it the beauty of the ongoing horizon? Nothing but sky and water in front of you. My mind usually goes a mile a minute but sitting out in the middle of the ocean is like a mental pause button. There are no distractions, just peace. In those moments it’s like I could sit there forever. I love going to the beach and staying at hotels overlooking bodies of water (whether it is a beach, lake, or river), but nothing beats being in the middle of the ocean. Although I know the ocean is not always peaceful. In a massive storm a peaceful moment can turn into pure anxiety. We all know the ocean is unpredictable, but for the most part it’s the only thing that seems to work.

          For years I have always tried to find ways to be near the ocean. I dreamt of having a vacation home on the beach, or a house on the lake. I could see myself taking one of those 4-to-6-month cruises around the world. Now, more than ever I look for ways to make that happen. Most of us want to reach ataraxia at some point and be free from all the mental anguish that some life events can bring. In these last couple of years life has been at its craziness, and I just want to prioritize mental health, happiness, and peace. With everything that has happened I know people would say the wounds are still fresh and I just need to give it time. At this point, I do not know if time really heals ALL wounds, maybe some or even most, but not ALL. In some cases, you just try your best to keep going.

          I want to put more energy into my goals, energy that I currently do not have at the moment, but I am hoping to dig deep and find some. I feel determined again. Determined to make my goals, determined to get out and soar. I want to be free from these mental shackles. I want joy and peace. Even though I don’t even know what joy would look like or even if it is possible, but I do feel that I could find peace with moments of joy. I just came to so many new realizations and I figure that I need to make things happen. Life is blurry. Life is strange. Some things feel like a mirage, and nothing is ever what it appears to be. You have to stay on your toes, and you cannot necessarily wait because as I said before there’s no pause button. I just want to get there. I want to set up my life in a way that brings in more peace. There are a lot of things that I can’t change, and unpredictable things happen, but I can try to work on the things that I can change. With so much going wrong, I need something to go right. I want to get there! We all need something to keep us going. My goal is to make time for the ocean. I want to be available to peace and not fold into despair. I will get there!