Anxiousness, sleepiness, uncomfortable, proud, excited, hollow, numb, drained and alone. Those are all the feelings that I felt today (In that order). I never know what emotions to expect from day to day, but even in moments of celebration there’s so much emptiness. I’m trying to navigate this new normal, but honestly, it’s still hard to even accept (even a year later). Nothing feels right anymore. Everything feels off. Each celebration or milestone is just a reminder that you are no longer here. It’s hard to be in the moment when I know there’s something missing …. A large presence that spreads joy and excitement to all.
As I sit here trying to figure out where I’m even going with this, I can’t help but reiterate some of the things from my previous posts. PLEASE send love to your loved ones and make more memories. Tell them how much they mean to you every chance you get. Cherish and appreciate them. I would give anything for a time machine or a Lazarus pit. Now I’m just left with memories and heartache. I didn’t intend for this to be the topic of discussion today, but as of right now I can’t seem to get out of this current headspace. Some days I just feel emotionally stuck and somehow, I’m just trying to make it. I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute just to keep myself from falling apart completely. It’s not getting any easier, but I guess I’ll just have to keep pushing.