Caving under pressure? Self-sabotage? Mental Health Issues? (Which one is it?)

          Lately I’ve been thinking about pressure, and how I handle it. I used to always seem to draw a blank when time was ticking, but once it came down to the wire something would click, and I always made my deadline. The last few years my anxiety has intensified, and that last minute click just haven’t been clicking. I feel like I’m constantly in a brain fog and when the pressure gets too intense, I surrender to my emotions. I just fold. I used to think, well maybe I just don’t have the right motivation, but I proved that to be false. Even with a great prize in front of me I’ve still been dropping the ball. Then when the time comes, I get so mad and disappointed with myself. I just ask myself why I couldn’t pull through for the reward. Why am I dropping the ball? Why can’t I think straight? Why am I so overwhelmed? These are the questions that repeatedly play in my head on a loop.

          My next thought was: Am I self-sabotaging? Is there a reason why I am afraid to go for it? I then went to research and it’s like I couldn’t find the answers to what I was seeking. I wanted to know why I was dropping the ball. A lot of people always tend to say if you’re not able to push through it then you don’t want it bad enough. I don’t know if I agree, or maybe wanting it bad enough has a different definition to different people. I feel like some of the things I’ve dropped I did want it bad (things that I’ve been wanting and waiting on for years). So, why can’t I push through the mental block and the fatigue?

          The only thing that I could come up with is that I have to stop procrastinating and call my doctor. I need to find a therapist so I can figure somethings out about myself. I’ve always known that depression can be paralyzing, and as a person who has dealt with depression on and off (since I was an adolescent) I know what it can do you physically and mentally. On the other hand, I thought I would still be able to push through what I was feeling for the sake of the potential outcome. For weeks now I’ve been extremely tired and exhausted. I can’t seem to shake what I’ve been feeling, and I’ve been more emotional than usual. I’m using all the energy that I do have to wear the mask and to pretend that I’m fine, but it’s just even more exhausting. I just need to get to the root of it all. So maybe it is depression, maybe it’s fear, or a little bit of both. Or I might just be overwhelmed. Who knows? I can’t really say.

          As confusing as it might be, I just need to ask for help. It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. I can’t figure everything out on my own. If I don’t seek help, I will just be stuck in the same place, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to mess up any more opportunities that may come my way. I have to take care of me. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I need CHANGE.


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