Lately I’ve been having a hard time realizing that people may see my marriage as a reason not to get married. I never pretend that something is perfect when it’s not, but I don’t want to be a walking poster for anti-marriage either. If you skim my socials, you might think my life is more candy, smiles, sunshine, and rainbows than it actually is. I love to capture beautiful moments, but I’m not saying that this is a representation of my whole life. It’s just a small percentage of it, which is why I feel like people shouldn’t idolize couples that they don’t know personally. Of course, I would love to be that couple with an amazing marriage that inspired others to find love and make them see the beauty of marriage. Why would I want someone to look at my marriage and say “See, this is the reason I don’t want to get married.” I don’t want my relationship to deter people from marriage. I love LOVE! I love everything about it, and I think it’s beautiful when people find it, but the truth is … it’s a battle. There are some anomalies out there where it’s smooth sailing. I’ve witnessed them. However, for MANY of us, it’s a crazy unpredictable journey filled with highs, lows and then moments of steadiness (especially when you marry in your twenties).
I get why people marry in their twenties. You always hear that it’s ideal to get married in your twenties so you can have enough time to enjoy your marriage and have your first child before thirty. Looking back, I agree with Wendy Williams when she said people should get married after thirty. You go through so many changes in your twenties. You barely know who you are. I remember how much I changed from 18 to 22, and then from 22 to 25. I thought twenty-five was the magic number, which was wrong. Yes, I do believe that a lot of things just click and get into place by that age, but you still change so much during the following years. My husband and I got married in our twenties, and we both have changed so much since we said I Do. Our interests, hobbies, and what we value have changed so much. Sometimes you grow in the same direction, and sometimes you don’t. That’s the hardest part. You can be so similar, and then you blink and both of you are completely different people wanting different things. It’s hard to navigate through that because you don’t know if you’re coming or going. Marriage is definitely not for the weak. The person who looked at you with so much love one moment can be the person who looks at you in disgust the next. You can go from being attached to the hip to being strangers who simply share a space. Sometimes you find your way back to one another, and sometimes you don’t.
One piece of advice that I will give is to not assume that something will work itself out. If you have any fears or concerns whatsoever before you say I Do (no matter how small) it is possible that it will only magnify. A lot of us tend to think that small issues will work themselves out, or we believe that some things aren’t a big deal until we realize that it is years later. Don’t sweep things under the rug, work through them. Communication is key, and you have to learn your partner’s communication style. Everyone is different. We all receive information differently. It’s all about choosing your words carefully and getting your point across without attacking the other, and the other person who’s receiving the feedback needs to listen to hear and not to respond. Take it in and don’t jump to defense, especially when you know what they’re saying is valid (be honest with yourself and toss that ego to the side). As some people say, Marriage is not for punks. If you’re the type to easily throw in the towel, then it may not be for you. (Disclaimer: Of course, I’m not talking about the people who get physically, verbally, or emotionally abused by their partner. I’m also not talking about the people who get cheated on or the people who find out that they’ve married a completely different person (examples: frauds who constantly change their identity from state to state, pedophiles, murderers, kleptomaniacs, psychopaths, or anything along those lines). I want to be clear on that. By all means, throw in that towel and run for the hills.) This message is for people who simply give up because it’s hard and they don’t want to put in the work. Or the person who simply misses single life and hanging out with their single friends while enjoying single activities. A lot of people are more in love with that “new feeling” you get in the beginning. You know those fairytales you see in children’s stories that we grew up on. Notice how in most fairytales they stop after the wedding, that’s because they don’t want you to see the hard part. Everyone loves the beginning stage when you’re giddy and filled with butterflies (the lead up). So, a lot of people constantly chase that new feeling. If you’ve been married for a while, then you might crave and miss that feeling. You might feel envious of others who “look” like they have that. That is the moment where you have to communicate and try different things to get that back. First you have to make sure that you are good. If you don’t love yourself then it’s going to be hard to love the other person. Next, you have to constantly show love to your partner. Sometimes we get caught up in the day to day and forget that this is something that you should continue to do. Don’t just assume that they know because you’re still there. Reassure them, so they never have to wonder where they stand with you. It doesn’t stop after marriage. It doesn’t stop 5 to 10 years after marriage. You have to constantly put in the work that you did in the beginning. Sometimes we run into mental health issues (like depression, extreme anxiety & etc.) that can really shake things up, but that’s a post for another day. Stay tuned for that post in the near future. 😉
Final Thought: I hope what you got from this is that it’s okay that your marriage is not perfect. It’s okay if it doesn’t reflect the image of fairytales and romance novels. No marriage is perfect. We all have flaws. We need to stop comparing our relationships to unrealistic standards. A lot of the time, we walk away too early and miss what we had. We don’t see how good we had it until the other person is gone. Your marriage may not be how you always pictured, but if you’re at 80% then it’s still a success. In the end, you have to ask yourself: if I knew what I know now would I still have said yes? Any my answer is… YES! I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change it and that’s enough for me to keep going. 💞
JustGottaMakeIt 