Years ago, I used to watch How I Met Your Mother on a daily basis. I first discovered that show when the re-runs would come on during the hour between my other two shows. While I was waiting for the New Adventures of Old Christine to come on, I would watch How I Met Your Mother sometimes, and I slowly became a fan of the show. I was late to the party, but afterwards I was hooked, I quickly became a part of the HIMYM Fandom. Marshall and Lily were my favorites, and who didn’t love Barney Stinson and all of his shenanigans? Am I right? However, after rewatching the series consistently, I started to become a fan of Ted Mosby. Ted was a gem in disguise. I never realized how funny Ted was until getting the seasons and binge watching it over and over. He definitely ended up being one of my favorites (if not my favorite). I was thinking of a particular episode a week or two ago. It was when Ted mentioned how he always writes a letter to his future self about his current ex. The letter is supposed to remind him of all the things that went wrong and why he should never go back. When younger me watched that episode, I remembered thinking how it was such a good idea. We often forget about the pain that we endured during the relationship and only remember the good things.
A lot of us romanticize past relationships and seem to develop amnesia when it comes to all of the toxic moments that take place. So I decided to take a page out of Ted Mosby’s book. In my journal, I wrote a letter to myself, and I put it all on the pages. It was very cathartic. It’s one thing to know in your mind that something is not right for you, but when you see it all laid out in front of you, it hits differently. Now, I’ve done a pros and cons list before, and usually I keep it simple. Like for example, under the con list I might just say “lack of empathy/compassion” or something along those lines. But in the letter, there were more details and examples of all those cons. I did that during the week of my last Divorce Diaries post, which ignited the “What are you fighting for, Caroline?” topic. Because after looking at all of the reasons why we should’ve been over, it’s hard to believe that any part of me could resist saying goodbye. Sometimes, I hate that love surpasses logic. I guess that quote from the Aquamarine movie was right. Love is the closest thing we have to magic. It’s often unbelievable and I’m usually left asking myself: How in the hell did that happen?
Moving Forward, I will go back to that journal entry whenever I need a reminder. I get that love is complicated. I understand that love is a feeling, an action- it defies all logic. So of course, I might have an emotional reaction every time I get a flashback of a beautiful moment that we once shared. I’m human. However, if that moment does come, I will take a minute to grieve that memory and then pick myself up and continue to move forward. The road to healing is not straight and narrow. I’m going to face winding roads, roundabouts, back roads that are made of only gravel. Some moments I will feel like I’m on the highway and it’s smooth sailing, but then I’m going to have to merge or take the next exit. I might miss the exit and have to make a U-turn. The point is, it’s not an easy road. It can change from day to day. But every time you’re faced with that letter of reasons to let go, you realize that the journey is necessary. You’re hurting now, so you don’t have to cry later, and that should be enough to keep you going. It’s about knowing that when you get to your destination, peace awaits.
Elle Rey📚 