Elle Rey📚

          I’ve been in my head a lot lately. Throughout this whole divorce process, I’ve been having a challenging time with the whole alimony thing. We didn’t have a prenup, but I’m still not asking for anything. People think I’m crazy and tell me that I should think about what I’ve been through. Even recently, the only person who understood my decision changed their mind. They said after reflecting and everything that has happened, I should get compensation. They said that when they really thought about it, it made them angry. To be honest, if it was a family member or friend in my place, I would’ve told them what they’ve told me. I would say that they should definitely seek alimony, but it’s just not in my heart to do it. Trust me, I’ve been angry as well. I felt foolish, naïve and felt like an idiot. I’ve been feeling all the emotions at once. However, I just want to sever all ties. Maybe it’s an ego thing. Maybe I just don’t want a long-drawn-out divorce. We don’t have any children, no property or anything of the sort. We are in the perfect position to have a quicker divorce where it doesn’t have to be a long-drawn-out legal battle. Emotionally, I am spent. It’s hard enough to deal with everything during this time. I just want a clean break. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t want to be blamed for anything in the future. Once that ink dries, I no longer want to be the punching bag or the reason for what’s wrong in his life.

          In a previous post I mentioned having 6 mountains in front of me that’s weighing me down, and to be honest it’s probably more. However, half the mountains would be solved financially, and after seeing the estimate of what I could possibly get is crazy. What’s even crazier is that after seeing it I didn’t change my mind. I’ve written out a budget and what I would need to sustain, and to know the amount would most likely be even more than what I need hits differently. It would help with the majority of the stress that I’m dealing with. Yet I still can’t do it. I would rather take on the extra stress and keep fighting for a solution, hoping that some company will finally take a chance on me. I’ve never written so many cover letters in my life. Knowing I have such a short window to make something happen just makes it worse, which is why I get why loved ones are pressing me to make a different choice. It may be stupid, but I just have to follow my heart. It has to be my choice, and I have to be at peace with my decision.

          I know I can be too nice sometimes, and sometimes my kindness can bite me in the ass. However, there’s no part of me that wants something from him. Although I am seeing why some people have that survival of the fittest type of mindset. They make decisions based on their life and their needs, and I can’t be mad at that. Not at all. There are moments where I wish that I could be like that as well. It makes me think about that scene from The Office when Jim gets transferred back to the Dunder Mifflin Scranton office. He naturally heads towards his old desk and places his jacket on the back of the chair, but the temp (Ryan) places his bag on the seat simultaneously (making a silent statement that that’s where he sits now). There’s an awkward pause before the temp says “So….” And Jim responds by saying “Oh, are you sitting here now?” The temp then says “yeah, unless you really want it back.” Jim tells him that it’s really his call, and the temp responds by saying “Cool, thank you” before taking his seat (without even a second thought). In the confessional the tempt says “Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That’s why I got the desk.” Although it’s a comedic moment in the show, I do feel it may have some truth to the whole nice guy finishing last theory. Sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to be selfish sometimes and make a choice solely on your needs. But even if everyone in the world told me that it is okay, it still wouldn’t sit right with me. Unless my heart and mind come to agreement, then I won’t change my mind (and right now my heart and mind are both saying no). Maybe I need to do it my way for my own healing and growth, and that is enough of a good reason for me.

          I’m going to be honest; this was not an easy topic to share. I even had second thoughts before uploading this. There are some topics that I don’t mind speaking about, but some topics are a little uncomfortable. As a person who appreciates raw honesty and vulnerability, I want to give the same, while still not giving too much. Oversharing and overexposure gives people the space to judge your circumstance and make assumptions. However, this is my truth and my process. Divorce is hard and ugly, and I’m not going to make it look easy or pretty. I made the decision to share my journey and maybe it will show at least one person that they’re not alone. Sometimes we feel things we thought we wouldn’t feel, and we wonder if we’re alone in feeling a certain way. Some feelings I expected, but there were some emotions that I didn’t foresee. I love hearing stories from other women who were in my shoes, especially when they had to start from scratch. I wanted to see how they did it and gain some sort of inspiration. Hopefully, this Divorce Diaries series will do the same for someone else someday.