Elle Rey📚

          Being separated is one thing, but being separated under the same four walls is another story. There’s nothing more of a mind-fuck than seeing the shell of the person you once knew walk by you every day. There’s little to no speaking. Most days it’s a 1 to 5 words limit. One day it just might be a simple “hi” and the next day it might be no words at all. If you’re in a small space, it’s even worse. I remember when I heard of some celebrity couples breaking up but still living under one roof. Maybe it’s easier when you’re in a mansion living on opposite sides. You could probably go for days without seeing each other. I’m sure it would be easier than this. In my case, there’s absolutely no way to avoid one another. It definitely puts a hold onto the healing process. I have a little under 3 months left before I no longer have to share the same space. I can only imagine what it would be like to not be in the midst of intense awkwardness every day.

          One thing I learned from this experience is it made me feel such a deeper pain for people who go through this for years on years. I remember during the thick of the turning point in my marriage I would constantly look up different articles and videos, in hopes of gathering some understanding of why this is all happening. I was trying to find a reason for it all, and if it was just a hard season, but as time went on and it only got worse, I realized it wasn’t just a season. I remember stumbling on a video that gave three reasons why your spouse is giving you the silent treatment. When they got to number one, the guy stated that sometimes it’s used as a form of punishment. He said that if you’re not doing what they feel like you should be doing then they will start shutting you out to teach you a lesson, which is a narcissistic trait. They do that until you do whatever it is that they want you to do. I remember when he slipped and admitted to that. It was heartbreaking to see that he wanted to intentionally cause me pain. The thing that stood out the most was the comment section. Some comments turned into forums. Under one comment there were hundreds and hundreds of responses of women sharing their experience. Most of them said their biggest regret was not leaving sooner. They said they waited for years and years hoping that it would change, and it never did. They had women of various ages/generations sharing their story. It broke my heart because some women stayed for ten, twenty or thirty years too long. They dealt with feeling invisible for decades. I can’t even imagine how they’re still hanging on mentally and emotionally.

          As scary as this change is, I’m glad I’m taking steps to move forward. It’s been 3.5 years since he checked out, and it’s been such a mind-fuck that I can’t see how others are pressing on during the midst of it. There were a few women that I knew personally who had this type of life. They always had an inner sadness, and their self-esteem was broken down to the ground. I was too young to understand it but now knowing what they probably were experiencing I just want to hug them and instill words of affirmation in them. I hope they know that they deserve more, because at some point you start believing you deserve the way they’re treating you, which is why you stick it out. People can bring out a megaphone in front of your face and shout out “You Do Not Deserve This!” and you still won’t receive it. If you’re lucky enough, you will have a turning point moment, and it will be like the sound of glass shattering and it will feel as if every light is shining above your head (making you see things clearer than ever before). You will pick yourself up and say to yourself “Wait a minute, I do NOT deserve this! I may have my flaws, but I don’t deserve to be treated less than human.”

          I think the hard part is when they don’t want to say the words, so they make it so uncomfortable for you that you finally say it. However, there are a lot of people who will just stay in the uncomfortable. I was one of those people who said if I was getting married, it was going to be for life. I knew it would be hard, but there are some things that you just don’t foresee. So even though I tried to hold on, I knew I had to be the first one to say it to free us both. One thing that always sticks with me is a video that circulates a lot on my Instagram and YouTube timeline. It always appears every so often, and I’m sure a lot of you have seen it, and if not, I will try to find the video and add it below. It’s a video of Judge Lynn telling a lady “Never make a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once.” She said when he doesn’t come home, when he doesn’t talk to you, when he doesn’t share like he used to, that’s him saying “I don’t want you.” It stuck with me ever since, and every time it would pop up again, I would feel a sense of embarrassment. He told me through his actions many times, but a part of me was so thick into my grief I just didn’t have the space to deal with it. I knew it was coming though— I felt it in the pit of my stomach. It’s like that eerie feeling you have on the back of your neck and you’re just waiting for the inevitable. There’s a difference between paranoia and your gut. When you have a lot of anxiety it’s easy to confuse the two, but my gut is something that I cannot shake.

          My heart breaks a little every day with a constant reminder I have to see every day, but I know that by the summer it will be different. I’m currently in the transition phase, but come July, my new chapter will begin. I feel like I will be on the other side of my healing process. I won’t have to feel so much at once. The moments when I’m home alone feel so different. There’s more peace and less weight on my shoulder, so I can imagine how it will feel not having that tense awkward energy around day in and day out. I don’t expect it to be easy. I’m just hoping for less tears and a little more peace. It’s been a hard few years, and I’m hoping and praying for some calm after this storm.

To all the people who have been through something similar, what was the turning point for you? When did you finally find the strength to accept that it was no longer working? Feel free to share your experiences in the comment section below.