Elle Rey📚

          Feeling two things at once is an interesting feeling. You go from wanting to keep your distance but wanting to make sure that they’re taking care of themselves. You go from feeling a sense of hostility, to worrying about them. The love doesn’t stop just because you’re feeling resentful, frustrated, or upset, and I get that. However, it feels like a tug-of-war of the mind and heart. There’s no hate there, but at the same time it’s like I just want to cut ties completely. On the flip side, sometimes I still find myself thinking like a wife. How are his stress levels at work? Is it affecting his blood pressure? Is it finally going down? Is he cutting down on drinking? There’s so much going through my head. I feel like in order to protect my mind and heart, I need to remain distant. At the same time, I feel bad about not checking in. I don’t want to be cold and completely detached, but at the same time that’s how I was treated within the marriage for the last few years. I also don’t want to feel like I’m being spiteful. Just because I was treated that way, doesn’t mean I should give the same energy. I don’t want to come off as bitter or bring myself down to the same level. On the other hand, I can’t compare the two, because that was actually during the marriage. Would it be considered the same if it’s after separation?  Maybe it’s not being bitter and petty. Maybe it’s just setting boundaries.

          These are the things that go through my head. This is why divorce is not straight and narrow. It’s an emotional roller coaster. It’s like when I was a student for so long, and after grad school I didn’t know how to disconnect from being a student. It kept feeling like I should be studying, writing a paper or replying to discussion boards. It’s like it became my identity along the way. So afterwards I continued to be a student, but just in a different way. I kept learning, and I even made some form of projects as a hobby. I try to find a way to keep that hungry inner student fed in some way. In this case I’m not sure how to disconnect from the wife chapter just yet. I can’t go about it the same way. I just have to stop cold turkey. I have to process that I’m moving forward as a single person, that’s no longer part of a unit. I don’t know the rules to divorce. I don’t even think there are rules to this, but I’m not moving forward maliciously. I keep questioning whether I should be this distant, but everything in me is telling me that it’s the right thing to do. I understand that the love I still have for him will always care about his wellbeing and happiness, but I also get that this person made it clear that my presence was not welcomed during the last 3.5 years before the split. It wouldn’t be fair to my heart. After everything I endured when it comes to matters of the heart, I think it’s okay to actually protect my heart this time. It’s a foreign feeling, but I have to push old habits to the side. I have to choose me.