Elle Rey📚

          This process has been interesting to say the least. It’s been 7 to 8 weeks since the move and oddly enough, it feels like it was so long ago. You know that weird feeling when you think back to your adolescent relationships and it was so long ago that it almost feels like it never happened, because you’re so removed from it. That’s how it feels to me at this point. It’s hard to believe that it’s only been 2 months since we separated, and yet it feels like years. I suppose it’s because it was really over emotionally years ago. I can’t even remember what it felt like during the happy times. I just remember the silence and distance. It’s sad in a way because I don’t remember how the good times felt. I have notes, pictures, and journal entries to remind me that there were good moments, but it’s been almost 4 years since he mentally and emotionally checked out the relationship. When you’re feeling so much pain and heartbreak for so long, time drags. Those few years felt like eternity. It was a slow and painful breakup. There was a lot of crying and emotion overload to the point where that’s all I can remember now. It’s sad but in a way it’s also a plus. It makes moving on easier. The good memories can’t haunt me because I don’t remember many of them. I just remember feeling like a burden and being ignored.

          As of right now, it’s been 3 weeks since we had any form of communication. This is the longest we went without communicating since we reunited. It’s crazy how someone can be a part of your everyday life and then they can just vanish, and it doesn’t feel like an enormous difference. I guess that says a lot about where we were. I mourned that relationship while I was still in it. I’ve cried so much for years, that I guess it’s not that surprising that I have nothing left. The only hard feelings I have is that I did not see it sooner. I hate the feeling of wasting time, and that’s still going to take a while for me to forgive myself. I went to marriage thinking it was for life, so I guess I didn’t want to call it. I didn’t want to say: “Yeah this marriage is dead.” But if we’re being honest, I remember the exact moment (Feb 2022) I knew that we had an expiration date. I just hoped it was just a phase, and I didn’t want to believe that this person no longer loved me, but the signs became louder and louder by the year. Now I understand why so many people say their only regret is not leaving sooner. However, I’ll take this as a lesson learned and give myself grace. I made vowels and I wanted to see if it was possible to get over that hump, but when it’s not meant to be… it’s not meant to be. You can’t force it. You just have to let go.