Elle Rey📚

          The first month of the New Year has been filled with an array of emotions. The first few days felt different. It felt like an atmosphere shift, like calmness in the air. My sister felt it as well. There was just something different about it, but days went by and I started to feel that inner burden again. I decided that this will be the year that I was completely honest about where I am. I’m always honest and transparent, but there are some things I hold back from myself out of embarrassment or shame. I had to pray and get it all off my chest for my own personal healing. The truth is I am terrified, confused and lost about what’s next. I feel like I should be further along, but life has had so many twists and turns that I feel like it’s hard to navigate it all. As I continued to lay it all out on the table, I had a few revelations that became clear in that moment.

          I realized how much I would shrink around others sometimes, especially when I didn’t feel safe to be myself. I know I have a random, bubbly and whimsical personality and I can appear to be in my own world half the time. Growing up, it felt like if you were mean you were liked, and if you were overly nice or bubbly you were annoying or the butt of the joke. I even noticed that in college. Every time I met a friend group I noticed how the sweetest/bubbly one would be the one they would joke and pick on a lot. Even if the “jokes” were done in love, it always made me wonder why positive personalities rub people the wrong way. And why is kindness always looked at as weakness? At some point it just seemed better to be quiet and to not appear easy to read. I wanted to be a part of the “unbothered” culture, because seeming unphased and poised was applauded and admired. However, that’s not how I am wired.

          I know that I can be a little naïve when it comes to people and their intentions. I feel things too deeply and love too hard. Goodbyes are harder for me to recover from, and I tend to care more than I should. I am an overthinker who weighs out everything to the point of madness. So much of the world seems gray to me that it’s hard to make certain decisions. I’m always afraid that I am going to make the wrong choice and delay my journey even further. I know that I can be a little weird and random. I have childlike faith sometimes and I still dream even when some don’t understand why. I’ve learned to censor myself when it comes to my goals and aspirations, and only discuss what is safe when I’m in the outside world. At the end of the day, pretending to be calm, poised and always in control was exhausting. I realized that if someone doesn’t like who I am then that’s okay. I don’t have to be people’s cup of tea. I don’t have to always be understood. I don’t want to always overexplain who I am. At this point in my life, I just want to spend my time with people who accept me for me. I don’t want to tone down my personality in fear of being seen as weird, or odd.

          Another revelation that I had was me finally seeing things for what they were. I was often asked why I always threw myself under the bus or fell on the sword, and I didn’t realize it that much until now. I would rationalize why I was treated in such a way and justified the other person’s actions because I thought I deserved it. In other words, I played devil’s advocate against myself. As the line goes from that Freya Skye song “Distance from the moment, the worst parts come into focus, the spell is broken.” It took 6 months to see things clearly. It felt like a movie was playing in my head of all the sad and embarrassing parts that I buried, and I was humiliated. I used to see myself as a person who didn’t tolerate disrespect and mistreatment, so I was disappointed to see the amount of weakness and vulnerability I showed during that time. I guess when you’re in the thick of it—it’s hard to see things clearly, but it’s all clear now.

          As it cleared, that sadness grew to anger, and I guess you can say that I officially entered the phase of Resentment and Regret. Again, I had to be honest with myself and admit that I was angry, not only with him, but with myself as well for being so naïve to begin with. Not only do I have to grieve about what I thought it was and what I thought it would be, but now I have to grieve for the time wasted. I have to grieve what life could’ve been, if only I seen the truth from the beginning. Now that my divorce is officially in progress, my emotions have run wild with so many feelings of resentment, but as they say—I’ve been taking it on the chin. As painful as it is, I’ve been putting my emotions aside in order to make this divorce as smooth as possible. I just want to put all of this behind me. I will get more into the unexpected emotions in a future post. It’s still too raw right now. I just want to get through this without breaking completely.

          In spite of all the emotions of divorce, I still feel that this year will be different. The feeling didn’t go away because of the emotional chaos. I just understand that this is happening to speed things up. In order to get to where I need to be this chapter has to officially close. I am just hoping that my gut feeling is right, and there will be a rainbow after this storm.