Here I am in this spin cycle. It’s almost 1 o’clock in the morning and I just felt the need to release some thoughts. It feels like I’ve been in deep thought all month. I’ve been lost and confused while feeling multiple emotions at once. I’m to the point where I’m not even sure exactly what it is that I’m feeling, because I have a ton of feelings and thoughts coming at me at the same time. I feel scared, excited, frustrated, anxious, happy, sad, jealous, insecure, mad, drained, numb, unmotivated, bitter, forgotten, hopeful, pressured, optimistic but also pessimistic. It’s all confusing, but I’m trying to push through it. I’ve been more tired than usual. Getting up and taking steps feels draining. The things I were once interested in I no longer feel like doing it. I’ve always struggled with depression since I was a child, but I was fighting the thought that I could be depressed when things were actually starting to look up. I feel like I don’t have a reason to feel depressed, so it has to be something else. I don’t know what to call it. Some days I’m laughing. Some days I feel like crying. Some days I want to hide under the cover. Maybe it’s the effects of this crazy year and everything that happened the end of last year. Maybe it was because I was so busy the past few months and as soon as I got over my latest hurdle, I had time to feel. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m trying to work through it.
I don’t want to lose sight of the good things that happened/are happening. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but emotions are hard to ignore. I’ve always been good at wearing a mask and smiling through the pain, and that’s how I’m trying to get through (mainly when I’m around others). I can fool most people, but I can’t fool myself. I know the issue is mental/psychological and emotional. I know that sometimes it’s better to just take a step back and deal with the issue before it starts to pile on. These days the way I deal with things is by releasing through journaling or blogging. So, this is me airing out my dirty laundry: I am afraid of losing more people that I love. I am afraid that I won’t succeed in any of my goals. I’m afraid of being a disappointment. I’m a little jealous, but also happy for the people who are thriving around me. I often feel inadequate. I am scared that I will never become a mom the older I get. I am ashamed that I’m still trying to figure things out at this age. My massive pile of student loans feels like a huge weight on my shoulder and I feel guilty about it. I’m afraid to leave my bubble because I don’t want anyone to see me in this state. I am insecure, because I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I feel like I let myself go in the last 2 years. I feel like I love people more than they love me. I often feel fragile and I hate it. I let negative thoughts consume me and convince myself that I am a lost cause. I’m often stuck in the past because things were simpler, and I didn’t feel as bad when I made mistakes. Now it just feels like I could be wasting time on things that might not ever happen. I’m hurt because I feel like an outsider even though I have never voiced that to the people close to me. I am afraid that what I always felt and believe to be true is nothing more than childish naivete. With all the doubt that I feel I’m still hopeful. There will always be an optimistic part of me who will always believe that I will prevail and achieve my dreams.
I feel like I’ve been pretty much an open book and I often share personal things about myself, but I just wanted to put it all on the table. I wanted to feel like I am saying it out loud. Sometimes when I am blogging it feels like I’m actually venting to someone the moment I press send. It’s therapeutic and cathartic for me. I usually feel lighter afterwards and more at ease, which is why I decided to air out my laundry at this moment. It is now almost two in the morning and I am moments away from pressing send. I’m not expecting anyone to see this is or read this, which is why I am posting it at this time. I just need a moment to exhale and say that I am not okay (at the moment). I know I will be fine, but at this moment I feel weak. Some days it feels like I am falling apart, but no matter what I’m going to keep trying. This is just a setback. I’ve hit the pause button a lot in my lifetime, but I’ve never been a quitter. I’m way too stubborn to ever quit. I might be currently on pause, but I’m coming back stronger.