Elle Rey📚

          I don’t know why, but I never realized how much childhood trauma could affect your adult relationships. Our childhood is critical when it comes to our development and who we become as adults. Whether good or bad, our experiences and environment shape and mold us into who we become. If you are someone with a lot of childhood trauma then it’s best to work through any issues that you still may carry. If a person doesn’t deal with their issues before getting into a relationship, then the other person will have to take on their issues as well. Let me tell you, You Cannot Out Love Someone Past Their Trauma! If they recognize it and refuse to get help, then you’re in for a lot of emotional and psychological hurt and possibly more. It’s easy to say, well, I’ll just give him/her more affection and speak more life into them. I’ll give them what they lacked in order to heal what was broken. We are not God; we can’t heal them. We can try, but we will be wasting our time. They’re going to have to recognize it and actually want to change.

          What signs might you see to let you know that you might be biting off more than you can chew? One important sign might be the way they interact with their parents (or even grandparents). Are they respectful towards their parents? Do they speak positively about their parents? Is there a lot of resentment in their tone? This can really show you a glimpse of their childhood and if they’re still carrying a lot of pent-up hostility. If it’s been years and you still see a lot of animosity, then they haven’t dealt with it yet. You’ll notice these signs within the first year or two. Next thing you know, they might start to treat you the same way. They will speak to you the same way that they might speak to their parents. (Disclaimer: I want to add that I am specifically talking about unhealed individuals. There are a lot of individuals who have had rough childhoods and completely cut off their parents and are at peace with their decision. They’ve said what they had to say and put up a boundary for the sake of their peace. Some may have even worked through it and even started to rebuild a relationship. However, I am speaking on unhealed individuals who still communicate with their parents but bottled up their feelings and refused to deal with it, so it comes out through actions.)

          Another indicator of past trauma is them wanting you to fill in every blank from their past. In other words, they’re going to look for not only a partner, but a parent as well. You’re going to have to reach an impossible standard. If they lacked love and had to learn how to self-soothe, then the way they view love might not be valued the same way you value love. It’s going to be very conditional. If you don’t do everything that they (the parents) didn’t, then it’s never going to be enough. It’s like having extremely high expectations, and if you expect perfection from people, you will always be disappointed. It’s going to always leave you feeling inadequate from never feeling like you’re enough.

          Ever since I entered adulthood, I had a rule that the person I was with had to have a good relationship with their mother. If a guy doesn’t treat their mother well, then it’s likely that he won’t treat you well either. If he doesn’t respect the person who brought him into this world then he sure as hell won’t respect me. However, I thought if there were valid reasons as to why he had so much disdain towards his parent(s), then maybe it’s different. I can waive the rule because I didn’t do it. He wouldn’t treat me the same way, right? Wrong! It doesn’t matter if the reasons are valid. At the end of the day, they will eventually treat you the same way, if they’re unhealed. It’s going to be the same whether they have valid reasons are not, so trust your gut. Don’t bend on what’s important to you because I bet you can recall all the times when you did, and it didn’t end well. I don’t know why a lot of us think we can heal someone with years of undealt with trauma, when it just breaks us in the process. As soon as you notice the switch, and you realize that they’re now treating you the same way you start to feel like you have to prove your worth. You’re wondering what you can do to prove that you’re not them, in hopes that they will treat you the way they did before. Now you have trauma by trying to heal theirs.

          One of the hardest things about dating someone with so much buried trauma is that you don’t want to abandon them no matter how much it hurts you. You don’t want to feel like you’re doing the same. But it’s when you realize that you’re fighting a losing battle when you finally get the strength to walk away. I once saw an interview with someone who developed a lot of issues, and it was killing his relationship. He said there was nothing she could do to fix it. He had to put in the work, and he kept going to therapy even after she left him. They did get back together a couple of years later when she saw that he was still working on himself. Once she saw how important his growth was to him, she decided to try again. He was honest with himself, and he made the steps to change not only for her, but for himself. I wish some form of free counseling was mandatory for all children in school, but I know it’s not possible given the number of children to counselor ratio. There’re just too many wounded children growing up into unhealed adults who haven’t learned the tools to deal with their trauma, and I hate that for them. I wish there was at least some type of workshop (from Elementary to High School) that focuses on mental and emotional health.

          What to do if you feel that you’re already in too deep and don’t want to leave without trying everything that you can? Push for them to have reconciliation with their parent(s). Whether it’s rebuilding their relationship or simply telling them how they really feel and choosing to forgive and let go, there has to be some type of healing. There won’t be a change in your relationship, until there’s healing in theirs. It’s going to be a lot emotionally, but it’s necessary. It’s something they’re going to have to do for their own peace and happiness. You can try to be as supportive as you can, but if they aren’t willing to work through it then you have to do what’s best for you. Don’t prolong your pain. Remember, time is precious and expensive.