Elle Rey📚

          It’s been a rough start since I officially moved out of my home. I knew that I would miss my place and what I’ve grown accustomed to over the years, but it was even the little things that I didn’t think about that made the transition harder. My soon-to-be ex-husband moved out a little over a week before the official move-out date. I wish I had more time to enjoy my home a little longer alone. I remember when I first moved in. I was finishing my first degree, and I was ready to soar. Life just finally clicked and got on track, and I felt like I was officially stepping into adulthood. Two years later I got married and he moved in, but before that, it was where my second chapter of life first started. Out of all the apartments in the city, it was my dream place. Fast-forward to now, and I’m restarting from scratch. After the grief of losing loved ones, my health changes, losing my marriage and feeling stuck in life, I hated that I had to lose my home on top of all of that. I tried so hard to save it, but in the end, it was like it wasn’t meant to be. It was so hard to get a yes (even in the positions that I was overqualified for). In the end, there must be a reason for all of this loss.

          During the first week away from my home, it’s like my anxiety and depression switched places. Usually, my anxiety is front and center, but this time my depression took the reins. I felt numb and tired. I didn’t want to do anything but lie there. I felt defeated and useless. How am I starting over from scratch? …At this point in my life. How did I get here? The questions just replayed in my head on repeat. Everything I was used to was gone, and I felt like getting used to this new normal would probably take forever. People keep telling me that it’s all happening for a reason. They tell me that I had to be pulled away from that situation, and it all will make sense down the line. There’s just so much going on right now that I guess it’s just hard to see past today.

          On the positive side my stress rashes have disappeared since the day I moved out. As I stated in previous posts, I have really bad anxiety, and my stress rashes are one of my many common anxiety symptoms. Sadly, I’ve had to deal with it daily for the last 6 to 8 weeks (instead of the usual once to twice a week), but since I officially moved out, I haven’t had them. I haven’t had to deal with my other anxiety symptoms either. The energy shifted. It was hard living under the same roof as some who acts as if they don’t see you or barely tolerate you. Sometimes my anxiety symptoms would pop up just by him walking through the door or hearing the sound of his voice. It’s nice to not have my body constantly tensing up all the time. So I guess there’s some type of silver lining through this storm.

          As I begin to rebuild my life, I’m going to keep my head up and remind myself that this is only temporary. There’s a reason why I refuse to quit. Life has been a complete shitshow these last few years. I still wake up in shock by it all sometimes, but now it’s time to redirect. I need to focus on my health (physical and mental), dig deeper into my faith, and surround myself with loved ones. I have an amazing family, and even though I lost so many loved ones way too soon this past decade, I need to hold on to the ones I have left. This life is temporary, and we all have an expiration date. It’s time to spend time with the people I hold dear, and it’s time to push past fear and take the leap when it comes to my dreams. Now is as good a time as any.