I don’t know if most people can relate to this, but maybe you can if you’re a person who tends to dream vivid dreams every night. A lot of people can’t remember their dreams, and it’s very seldom when they mention a dream that they have had, whereas I’ve been the type of person who recalls multiple dreams from the night before. Fifty percent of the time the dreams are simply weird and random. Ten percent of the time my dreams might actually be pleasant, but 40 percent of the time my dreams can be so exhausting and packed with a ton of emotions. My family would be in such disbelief about how much I dreamt and how chaotic my dreams could be. I’ve had a lot of apocalyptic dreams where I am running from zombies, robots, or mythical creatures. I’ve had a lot of recurring dreams where I am constantly in the same situation over and over again and it’s so random that I never understood what it actually meant.
Other times my dreams were clearly created from my subconscious. I never knew if it was hidden fears or if it were signs or premonitions. During the last few years of my marriage, I had a lot of dreams about my husband, and they were usually the same type of dreams where he was careless and cold. In those dreams I would be pouring my heart out and he wouldn’t care less. He would be completely emotionless, and I would be in pieces. In other dreams he may have moved on quickly or he confessed things to me like he never cared or loved me. I would feel so gutted in those dreams and I would wake up feeling that same pain. I hated those dreams, and I would have them all the time. I knew why I had those dreams of him being cold, because that’s how it was during those last few years. That was my actual reality, but I never knew if the other dreams were hidden fears/worries or warnings.
Someone once told me that they were watching a study on how stressful dreams can stress the body and affect sleep. They said that it could play a significant role in why some people wake up feeling exhausted and heavily fatigued. I can tell it weighs a lot on the body because I experience it a lot. I wake up drained from it. I was hoping that once we separated, I wouldn’t have so many of them, but I still do. Last night’s dream was the most recent one. The main thing that gets to me is that when I think I’m okay and good, a dream will pop up and it makes me feel like I am powerless. It’s like why does it feel like he still has power over me when he’s not even around anymore? Is it just a random dream that doesn’t represent my actual feelings? Or is it just a reminder showing me that I’m still hurt from it all? What’s lying in my subconscious that I’m not aware of, because at this point, I want to know what is the right step that I can take so I can just move forward.
Being a vivid dreamer is a blessing and a curse. Although it’s exhausting, it has its high points. My favorite part is dreaming of loved ones that have passed away. Having those moments where you get to hug them again, laugh with them, or even get some advice if I’m lucky. Some of my family members have told me that they envied that, and they could only wish for those types of dreams. It’s always nice, even though the realization that they’re gone always hits me when I wake up. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but I wouldn’t ever want to give that up. Even if they’re just dreams, those hugs and moments mean everything to me. A lot of the time those dreams seem to happen when I need them the most. I cherish those dreams, and welcome more of them. I guess you have to take the bad with the good.
As for the dreams about my future ex-hubby, let’s just say that I hope with time that they will fade. Even though I try not to think about it, I guess deep down the pain is still there and that’s okay. Realistically it’s only been 2 months since separation, and how can I expect to not feel hurt after years of marriage? It’s like I’m trying to rush the healing process. Maybe it’s because I feel like I wasted so much time that I’m trying to rush to the next chapter. I gave so much energy to that last chapter, I just want to skip ahead and not waste more time, but I can’t rush the process. I want to, but I can’t. If I want to come out of this better and stronger, I’m going to have to deal with it.
Elle Reyđź“š 