It’s been almost 6 full months since I’ve been “physically separated” from my soon-to-be ex-husband, and words can’t even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster during this time. It’s so weird, because it’s not the typical emotions that I would’ve expected. We’ve been mentally and emotionally separated long before we moved out, so the mourning part of the relationship happened while I was still in the thick of it. I’ve cried a lot during the last few years when we were together, because I knew it was coming. After separation, I still cried a lot, but more so for other reasons. I cried because I started to see things more clearly. I cried because I was mad at myself for missing so many of the obvious signs. It went on longer than it should have, and I hate that I wasted time hoping that things would turn around. When birthdays, holidays and our anniversary approached I didn’t know how I would feel. Sometimes you don’t expect emotions to hit you, and then it just happens. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a rush of unexpected emotions. I didn’t know what to expect, but I was still bracing myself. The week of our anniversary was a little difficult for me, but as for birthdays and holidays, not so much.
After looking back, I realized why birthdays and holidays weren’t as hurtful this year. Last year, he decided to not spend his birthday with me, and my birthday was filled with silence. Our anniversary was rough. It was the week when it was officially cemented in my head that this wasn’t my person. Last Christmas we weren’t even speaking, and the day was just filled with tension and emotional turmoil. Every holiday during 2024 was a disaster. Maybe those were my true “first” moments, and that’s why it didn’t have as much of an impact this year as I expected. The anniversary week, however, was more of me being hard on myself. I remember how I pictured this particular milestone year from the beginning. I thought we would be happy celebrating somewhere beautiful and whimsical. I didn’t expect this. So I did have to mourn what I thought this milestone year would be.
Moving forward I’m not sure what to expect in the next 6 months. I haven’t seen him since the day we moved out. I haven’t heard his voice in probably the same amount of time. If there’s something we need to know, we communicate through texts and keep it brief. It’s wild how strangers can turn into lovers, and then back to strangers again. Although it was my decision to limit communication, it’s still a weird feeling. You go from seeing that person all the time, to nothing. That was always a fear of mine when it came to marriage. Now that I’m experiencing what I feared, I realized that it’s not the hard part. I should’ve feared the part that happens before they vanish. The part when the love dies, but you hold on anyway thinking that it could possibly change. After hearing other stories, I guess I should be grateful. It took 3 years to realize I had to let go, some waited a decade and some waited longer. Sometimes the stories of others can be helpful. If it wasn’t for me stumbling across that long forum of women sharing their stories, maybe I would’ve still been in denial. Most of them said their biggest regret was not leaving sooner, and NONE of them said that it finally changed or got back on track. I didn’t want to be one of the ones that said I stayed 10-20 years before I left, and my only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner. It was a very long forum of hundreds of women who experienced (or were experiencing) the same thing, and I am grateful that I stumbled across it. This is why I feel that it’s important to share your stories.
Wisdom is one of the most valuable things that one can possess. It’s one of the best things that comes from experience and aging. We’re taught to hold on and fight for our marriage, but there comes a time when you have to realize when it’s time to throw up that white flag. When you stay too long it becomes self-inflicted pain. You’ll feel it in your heart that it’s over, but the fear of failure and the guilt of letting go might cause you to hold on longer (especially when religious beliefs are a factor). It’s not about jumping ship when times get hard, because there will always be hard moments. That’s life. It’s about loving yourself enough to know that you don’t deserve this. Your intuition will tell you. It’s a different feeling that speaks to your heart and mind. It’s not foggy either. It’s quite clear. I remember when it hit me on February 11th, 2022. Something inside of me told me that it was over, and that it wasn’t just a hard season. I cried and broke down that night, but I didn’t accept it. Things just got worse and worse. I would often think where I would be right now if I just listened right then and there. Would I be further in my healing journey? I guess I’ll never know, but maybe I should just be thankful for not wasting even more time. Maybe I needed to go through that to learn more about myself, and what’s truly important to me. Maybe he needed to learn the same. I just hope that everything will make sense in the end, and I’ll find my way back to joy and happiness.
Elle Reyđź“š 