Elle Rey📚

          I’ve been thinking and wondering what the next chapter of my blog will be. Initially, it was about my life after grad school, and although things haven’t gone as planned, I’m glad that I recorded a lot of moments over the last five to six years. I hated coming back on here with negative post after negative post. To be honest, I was so embarrassed. It was supposed to be about my road to success after getting my masters, and it became a highlight reel of all my failures and hardships. As embarrassing as it was/is, I have to own it. I found out the true meaning of the quote “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” I thought I would be in a completely different position by now. I was afraid that if I kept sharing my story that it would do more harm than good. I was afraid that people who were in a similar boat as me might get even more discouraged (if they’ve been following my posts). So, I refrained from posting, and I tried to become less transparent. Now, I don’t care what people think anymore. It’s my truth, and I’m going to own my truth!

          There are some things in life that I had no control over, and I can’t beat myself up over those things. However, I am upset with myself for the things that I could control. I could’ve practiced better habits. I could’ve been more disciplined. Sometimes I fault myself for letting every obstacle or setback take a toll on me. I would just fold after each letdown, and even though I always built myself back up and tried again, I would still fold after I hit another wall. I didn’t see the strength in standing back up. I just saw the wasted time after all the times I folded. The more disappointments I experienced the harder it was to bounce back. It’s like falling as a child and getting back up again immediately, but the older you get the harder it is to bounce back after a fall. That’s what it felt like, but emotionally. It also doesn’t help when you have someone in your ear telling you everything that you do wrong. You start to believe the things they say about you and internalize it.

          As of last month, I flipped the switch. I felt like I finally saw what I needed to see. Maybe I’ve always seen it, but I’ve been so consumed by grief that I just didn’t have the energy to see things for what they truly were. I didn’t have the emotional or mental space to add something else to my plate. Many loved ones who have known me my whole life can tell me one thing, but one person can tell me the opposite and that’s what I choose to accept as truth. I was afraid that the people who are closest to me were just being nice and supportive because they love me. Even when my doctor and counselor saw what I was going through and gave me that validation, I still didn’t stop beating myself up. I played devil’s advocate against myself. Somehow, I woke up, and I had to ask myself “When did I start giving someone else the power to tell me who I am?” As the old saying goes: It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to. So how can I ignore the people who know me best, and take the words of one person who doesn’t even see my worth? I’ve always wondered how that could happen. I’ve been on the other side, telling people that they are amazing and deserve so much more. I wondered why they couldn’t see it, or why they thought they deserved the things that they were going through. Now I see how easy it is to fall into that state of mind.

          I want to say that this isn’t an ending. It’s a new beginning. Moving forward I want this life blog to focus on this new chapter of my life. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. I’ve lost so much in the last five years. The unknown has always scared me, but this time it’s even scarier because I have to be my own superhero. It’s like I’m leaping without a life raft. Most of my safety nets have vanished, and I have to give it everything I have. It’s like that “Lose Yourself” song by Eminem. I’m scared, nervous and nauseous, but I have to give 110 percent. It’s sink or swim. The pressure is really on, but you know what they say: Pressure makes diamonds. Let’s just hope by the end of next year, I will be shining brightly.