Elle Rey📚

          I’ve been thinking about how things were going to be during this time since January, and now that the time has come, it’s been interesting to say the least. It has been a few days since my soon-to-be ex-husband started sleeping at his new place and the emotions have been quite magenta (in the words of Blanche Devereaux). After all of these years, we’re finally no longer under the same roof. It’s officially the end of an era. It’s like I knew it was coming. Even before we said the words, I knew that we had an expiration date. We already separated mentally, and now that we’re separated physically there was a sudden wave of confusion that washed over me. That’s why I have to use Blanche’s word magenta, because I’m not feeling blue (sadness), yellow (scared), red (angry) or green (envy). I just felt indifferent.

          The first night was really weird, stranger than I thought it would be. I wasn’t sure how I would feel, but it was odd. I was used to his night and morning routines. Now it’s just… silence. We didn’t speak much, but I was used to hearing his electric razor every night. The sound of him popping open a few cans of beer or the sound of his vape buzzing throughout the night. His phone scrolling through TikTok and the sound of crunching chips. The occasional snoring or sleep chatter, among other noises. As I was laying down, I was feeling feelings that I didn’t quite understand. I guess by now I should realize to always expect the unexpected when it comes to emotions and matters of the heart. It was a rough night. A lot of tossing and turning, and anxiety. I didn’t know if it was because I still have so much to do before the month is over, or if it was because the end of our union now feels cemented.

           By the second night, I decided to take a sleep aid to prevent a repeat of the night before. I just wanted to get some good sleep, and that’s what I got. I also got to talk out my confused feelings with a wise loved one who knows how to put everything into perspective. It made things clearer, and it was things I needed to hear. Day three was easier. I felt a sense of peace, calm and tranquility. I didn’t feel like I was walking on eggshells. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in my own home. I’m a night owl by nature, and I was just able to get more things done. I didn’t have to reel it in at a certain time. I could just… be. Things remained neat and clean. I felt like it was a glimpse into the future. More peace of mind and more relaxation. And I’m sure he’ll find peace in his new environment as well. I always thought our differences would balance us out, but it did the opposite in the long run, which led to a tense atmosphere. Now it’s time for me to focus on myself and live life with a renewed sense of purpose.