Itâs been a challenging time to say the least. Iâve been really contemplating on whether to speak on it or not, but this is real life, and life happens. I donât know what I expected once the decision was made. When we came to that agreement to let this marriage go, I genuinely didnât know what would happen next. If you looked at us through a window then you would think that nothing much had changed, but mentally it has been a battle. These are the times when I wish I were more logical than emotional. If I just ran off of pure logic, I would be fine. I would know that this makes sense, and the cons outweigh the pros. But sometimes love just doesnât make sense. Do I think this is the right decision? Absolutely! But that doesnât make it hurt any less. Itâs still a big part of your life thatâs slowly fading away, and soon it will be just a memory.
During the past two months, Iâve been replaying everything in my head. My mind has been a theater premiering all of the memories like a movie from the beginning of our relationship to now. You start to question a lot and try to make it all make sense in your head. How did we get here? Was it ever real? How can someone change so much? But itâs definitely possible, especially when you get married in your twenties. You change and develop so much in your twenties, and by the time you enter your thirties a lot of people start to slowly transition into a completely different person.
For the most part I thought I would be the same mentally and emotionally, considering that I was the first one to say I think splitting up is for the best (when discussing what we should do). I figured I cried so much watching the person I love transform into someone I didnât know, so how could I feel worse than I already do. It was like a dark cloud hanging over me for the last couple of years, because I knew it was coming, but I just kept trying to ignore it. I thought it was just a rut, but every year it got worse, and I just couldnât deny it anymore.
It all reminded me of a show that I watched years ago, where the main character lost her husband. He died unexpectedly, only to pop back up years later. His death was staged by an enemy who did something to his mind where he couldnât remember who he was or his past life. They ended up dropping him off across the country, which is why she didnât know he was alive for years. So, when she finally saw him again, she was shocked when he had a completely different personality. Everything was different. His hobbies, his food choices, his mannerisms, and his spirit were all just⌠different. Imagine someone walking around in the body of the person you love, but itâs a completely different person. It’s devastating. Itâs like a stranger is walking around in their skin. Thatâs how it feels every time I look at him, and thatâs just the tip of the iceberg, but Iâll leave it there.
As of today, I feel that I am doing a little bit better mentally, but during the first two months I felt like I just couldnât get it together. I was making mistakes that I didnât ever make. I kept forgetting to make certain payments on different things. I usually schedule all my payments early, and I am rarely ever late. If I am late, itâs because there was a change that I wasnât aware of, or I made a payment too early, and it counted as an extra payment for the previous cycle. So, I didnât understand how I kept forgetting to pay these bills, and I was slapped with late fees after later fees. The crazy part was, I felt like I remember paying them, but when I searched my account statements and email, I couldnât find it. I thought I was losing it. It happened twice in January and February, but now I am on top of it. I kept beating myself up about it, but I was informed that I have a lot going on, so it understandable. To top off all the craziness, something unexpected happened early last month, and now I have to have a biopsy, and I felt like I wanted to scream. Itâs like I had no control over my life, and everything was just coming down on me at once.
I wanted to give up. I felt done. But after a lot of prayer and the love of my family, I managed to rise again. I donât know what the results will be, but Iâm hoping for the best. Between grieving, my marriage ending, possibly having to move soon, my daily anxiety struggles, the disappointment of not getting any callbacks, and now being worried about my physical health, I honestly thought I was on the show Punkâd. It felt like my life was playing a game of Jumanji, and Iâm hoping that the game finishes soon, because I need a sense of normalcy.
         However, even though life is hectic right now, I somehow feel like it will all be okay. I know I get down and have my moments. I might fall into a black hole for a couple of days and want to give up, but thereâs a part of me that just wonât let me quit. I donât know why, I really donât. I guess itâs just the person inside of me who wants more. Someone who refuses to believe or accepts that this is how itâs always going to be. The odds may be stacked against me, but Iâve seen the impossible happen. One quote that I came across a couple months ago that really stuck with me is: “Your Life Actually Changes Overnight. It Just Takes Years to Get to that Night.” So here’s to hoping that the day I’ve been dreaming of is finally approaching! Iâm not sure what to expect moving forward, but Iâm hoping that itâs only up from here. Thanks for stopping by! đ
Elle Reyđ 