Throughout this journey of slowly separating, Iâve felt so many emotions. More than I could ever imagine. It hasnât been a straight line, downward slope or a uphill slope. It has been a roller coaster of zigzags, but one feeling that has remained constant is âŚ.fear. Fear of the unknown. Itâs scary you know, not knowing what to expect. I feel like Iâm constantly holding my breath. Itâs like I want to rush the process just to get past it, but at the same time fear makes me want to take my time. People keep asking me why am I in such a rush? And after weighing it out I decided to not do a speedy divorce as previously planned, but at the same time, I just want to fast forward this process. However, once itâs done⌠then what? Thatâs such a scary feeling. Will I finally land? Or will I continue to freefall into the unknown? The thought terrifies me.
         As a person who has terrible anxiety that definitely affects my way of life, it has been horrible to say the least. My body has been reacting to all the emotions that Iâve been feeling causing me a lot of panic where Iâm often feeling uneasy. Sometimes in moments where we feel like weâre drowning or suffocating, it can be the simplest thing to keep us from going under. Hearing a different perspective can somehow give you a second wind to not only get up again, but to be hopeful, and dare I say⌠excited. I was watching the latest episode of And Just Like That⌠(the Sex and the City reboot), and the last line stuck with me. Carrie mentioned how she didnât know what would come next, and it was the gardenerâs reply that struck something in me. He said âI think thatâs exciting. Not knowing. âCause then what is meant to be, has the space to show up.â
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As simple as it might sound, it made me look at it another way. Some things are clearly not meant to be in our lives, and when we hold on to them it can hinder our path. When we finally let go of the things that we should, we often find out where weâre meant to be. For years Iâve been cast in a role that I was never meant to play. As much as it sucks to find that out now, rather than before, I can only hope that itâs not too late for me to be what I was meant to be. Blindly loving someone has a way of knocking us off our path and trying to find a way to work around theirs. Thatâs why itâs so important to get yourself into the position of being who you are truly called to be, that way when love knocks on your door you can open without hesitation.
To all the people who are afraid of the unknown and starting your life over during the time when you never thought you would have to start over. I hope youâre giving space to let whatâs meant to be to show up. Itâs only when we truly let go that life really begins.
Elle Reyđ 