Elle Rey📚

First Half of 2025:

          This year has been the year of me hitting my bottom. After losing so much the past few years, I found myself losing even more, and in the process, I ended up losing myself. The most frustrating part was up until the fall I tried my best to prevent it. I hoped and believed that the outcome would be better this time, but when it all fell apart, it’s like I had nothing left to give. Losing my marriage was hard, but it was something I’ve predicted for the last few years. The surprise was losing the place I called home. I hated that I couldn’t prevent it from happening. The hardest part was that he told me that I couldn’t. He thought it was too much of a stretch and told me that I should just move in with a family member. I thought with faith and consistency that I could do it. I thought maybe the impossible could happen. Even up until the very end I thought something would come through, and something would work out. I also wanted to prove him wrong. I knew I had to work harder at making something happen. I applied and applied, made cover letter after cover letter. It was just rejection after rejection, just like before. Finally got an interview after a referral and had high hopes and then it was another rejection. While I was applying, I was also working on other things. I was trying anything I could to be able to sustain and keep my home, and I was doing it all while trying to deal with health problems. The deadline came and went, and reality set in. It was time to let it all go. I had to pack up, and I cried and cried as I packed up my life in boxes and totes. I kept having flashbacks of the time when I first moved in. It was my first time living alone. I was in my twenties, finishing up my degree and working in retail. I was so excited that I got to be in my dream building. I remember all the hopes I had when I first moved in and how proud I was that things were finally coming together, then I got married and he moved in. So, during those last few weeks I kept seeing how excited I was turning this place into my home, and then I kept seeing how excited WE were when he first moved in right after the wedding. The moment of dropping the things off at the apartment and then going straight to the honeymoon in excitement replayed in my head. I would’ve never pictured things ending like this. It’s crazy how you can see the flashbacks clearly in your head and then you turn to look at the person packing up beside you and not recognize them in the slightest. I think that made it worse. Seeing the memory in your head and seeing the current outcome at the same time. Seeing how much has changed from then till now. I had to mourn the couple we were, and I had to mourn the home that I love.

Third Quarter of 2025:

          I officially moved out and once I was hit with all the changes of my new normal, I just crumbled. I felt like I was stripped of everything. All I could do was cry and cry. I had no energy for old hobbies. My anxiety got worse, which I didn’t even know was possible, and for the first time I felt completely helpless. I just didn’t want to be here, if I’m being honest. I didn’t understand why life kept unfolding this way. I didn’t understand why I kept trying to fight through this. It felt like Life and I were in this long, drawn-out boxing match and I was getting my ass whooped to the point where the people on the sidelines were shouting just stay down. In the past, it was like I always found a way to get back up again. I’m not going to lie; this time I thought I was out. I was done finding the strength to get up again. I didn’t want to hold on to my hopes and dreams anymore. The fact that I felt like I was sinking further into a black hole was a sign that I should just stay down. I thought maybe it just wasn’t meant to happen. It was the longest I ever stayed down. Before, it would have taken a few days of believing that I was done trying, before getting up again. But this time, it was a few months. All of summer I was a shell of myself. Hope was out the window. I had nothing left to give. Nothing at all. I canceled my psychiatry appointments, and I was just over it. I was done.

Last quarter of 2025:

          Somehow, I found myself hoping again in October. I tried to focus on the things that I could control. That’s when I purchased my walking pad. It was the start of me making health changes. I started counseling again and I gave medication another chance. I know it’s not a fix for the kind of anxiety I have, but even if it’s a little relief I have to take it. It’s going to take a lot, but I’m willing to try to conquer that war sooner rather than later. Through out the last few months I kept hearing the same story about the woman by the well in certain sermons, or discussions. They kept saying that sometimes you have to just sit in it and know that God is with you. It was hard for me, because I didn’t want to sit in it. I felt like where I am in life, I didn’t have the time or luxury to sit in it. I need to make something happen. I can’t focus on healing, because how can I heal when everything is going wrong. Currently, there’s not one area in my life that I am happy about, so how can I just stop worrying and sit in it. How do I learn to lift my hands up and give it over to him? Nevertheless, I kept hearing the same thing over and over. Even when I had a Christian counseling session this past Spring, the apostle asked me, “Why do you have to have everything figured out right now?” and I just told him that it felt like I didn’t have a choice. It was sink or swim. He told me that I didn’t have to have it all figured out, but I just couldn’t accept it at the moment. People kept telling me that a lot has happened and that I needed to focus on healing, and take a minute to breathe and let it all set in. Afterwards, it just felt like I kept hearing about the lady at the well. It’s not until this month that I realize that sometimes we get in our own way, and we waste even more energy trying to prevent something and it ends up happening anyway. We can’t control what goes on around us. I can’t force outcomes. Sometimes I just have to sit in it.

What I’m leaving 2025 with:

          Yeah, my year was a mess, and just when I thought the madness was finally dying down, a close family member had a frightening health scare. It shook us all up and triggered those old wounds. When you’ve lost a lot of loved ones too soon, whenever things happen like this, you’re on pins and needles, afraid that it could happen again. It’s like you realize that life isn’t fair, and even if it punches your family in the face 20 times, it can still punch you all again. In this case, things went okay and the person is recovering nicely. Thank God! It was a reminder for all of us, to make everyday count and to remember what’s most important. Recently, I had some testing that came with questionable results, and once again my anxiety was shot. My doctor had me come in for more testing to check again, in case it was an error and I just found out today that everything was okay. All of my organs are working fine and finding that out was a great way to end the crappy year that was 2025. Sometimes we don’t know our own strength. Sometimes we take hit after hit and no matter how hard we crumble we forget to pat ourselves on the back for always getting up again. It’s a choice to get up or stay knocked down, and every time you make the decision to get back up again you say Yes to life. Every time you stand back up, you’re saying “It’s Not Over.” In the words of the late Maya Angelou: Still, I Rise! This is the first New Year I’m walking into (well, more like crawling into) without my home and husband. I hit the bottom, and now it’s time for rebirth. I may not know why all of this had to happen, but this little engine that could is curious to see what comes next. Yes, it’s scary to feel like I have to start my whole life over like Liza Miller, but people do it every day. I’ll figure it out. I may not understand why I keep running into closed doors, but a part of me feels like I have a hunch (just a tiny hunch). Just maybe there’s a reason why my path keeps getting redirected like a video game level that I can’t complete. There’s something that I keep running away from. Something that consumes my mind every day… morning, noon and night. Sometimes it’s the things we want the most that scares us the most. Every time I think I’m ready to take the leap, fear rears its ugly head, but I don’t want to be afraid forever. If I fail, I fail. If I succeed, then I succeed. At this point, it’s better to know. After all that has happened, I shouldn’t be afraid of something like this. Maybe that’s how I should look at this going forward. If I fail at my dream, it’s not going to hurt more than the loss that I endured the last 5 to 7 years. Let’s conquer fear! 2026 is the year the Phoenix from within emerges!