Elle Rey📚

         I’ve been dreading this update for a long time. I know through my blogging journey I wanted to be very open and transparent, but towards the end I thought it was best if I pulled it back a bit. I was starting to see the pitfalls of oversharing, and I just thought I was exposing too much. Initially, I appreciated the people who were super transparent, because it allowed the readers/viewers to connect with them. There was something refreshing about the rawness and realness of some bloggers and vloggers. So many people try to portray a certain life, but outside of social media/internet, they could be falling apart. For the ones who were too open and honest they grew a strong support base, but it also came with a lot of people entitled to their business or throwing something back in their face. After going back and forth I started to scale back on everything that I was sharing. However, today I’m going to be vulnerable and open up (against my better judgment).

          If you’ve read this post (We’re Not Couple Goals and That’s Okay! (Marriage is Not for the Weak), then you know that everything isn’t roses, but I thought it was still solid enough to get through a rough patch. Well, things became harder and harder with time. After almost a decade of marriage, my husband and I are at the end of our rope. A couple of months after my world got flipped upside down, he checked out mentally. It was like a switch happened. I remember him telling me that he wanted to be that person for me, someone that I could lean on after such a terrible loss, but things changed shortly after. As a person who struggled with anxiety and depression, I was more empathetic to his situation. I know better than anyone how anxiety and depression can hit you out of nowhere like a wrecking ball. I wanted to extend that compassion that wasn’t given to me during those situations. As time went on it just got worst and worst. He became more distant, colder and ruthless with his dislike for me. Here I was, trying to handle the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life, and my marriage was falling apart. My grief consumed me and my marriage falling apart was just the icing on the cake to my turmoil. I was heartbroken in more ways than one.

           It’s been three years since he checked out, and this year has been the worst. There were many times I thought I was going to lose it. You would think I was a ghost the way he ignores me, and walks pass me like I’m not even there. I can sit beside him, and he won’t even acknowledge my presence. It’s like a mental mind-fuck. I can ask him why he’s acting like this, and he will just say there’s no problem. He just says he’s putting himself first. I just don’t understand what putting himself first has to do with him being so cold to me. No matter how down I am I don’t take it out on others. I’m still going to treat you like a human being. It doesn’t change my character. I used to look up and research signs that my husband hates me, signs that husband has fallen out of love with me, signs of an affair & etc. Now I’m researching how to pick up and move on after a divorce. It’s safe to say that this is over. It’s too far gone. I feel like I cry almost every day now trying to deal with everything and I’ve reached my breaking point.

          Through my depression I’ve always treated people with kindness and respect. I might feel sad, lost and hopeless, but it didn’t change how I treated people. I kept trying to gain that closeness over the years, but after all this time I just feel pathetic to be honest. I kept saying I miss us. I would hug him and try to cozy up to him and he paid me no mind. It feels like this man doesn’t like, care or respects me, yet it feels like I’m begging for validation. I know if this was a regular relationship it would’ve been done. However, this is my marriage, and I didn’t want to throw it away if it could be saved. I thought maybe it was just temporary, but after 3 years I don’t think so. I can even see if we had children, but we don’t. I know some people say things change after children, but since we didn’t have any, why did everything change so drastically? I’ve read a thread on a forum about women who are (or were) in this situation. A lot of them said their biggest regret is not leaving sooner. They hoped it would change with time, but it never did. Some stayed for 15 to 20 years after they started icing them out. That was a wakeup call for me. I couldn’t imagine having my entire existence ignored for over a decade.

          At the end of that same post that I mentioned previously, I brought up mental health and how that can change a marriage, but that was a topic for another day. However, I never went back to the subject because I just didn’t want to admit everything that was going on. I was having such a hard time grieving that it’s like I couldn’t even handle what was going on in my marriage. It was obvious, but I wanted to be in denial, and I thought it would change. Today, I don’t even recognize the person in front of me and that’s truly heartbreaking. I got hit with some harsh realities this year. Sometimes people are not who you thought they were. Sometimes people just put on a fake façade in order to get you, and once they do the dream is over after a while. They no longer have the energy to keep pretending to be that person that they created in order to get you. That’s why I made this post: ” Watch this Before You Start Dating! ” . I felt that it was important for anyone who wasn’t married to watch it before they got into a serious relationship. It can be so heartbreaking when you realize that the person didn’t bring their true self to the relationship. It’s like you were robbed of possibly being with someone who might have truly loved you for you. I’m also mad at myself, because I recognized how much he wanted to change me to fit his mold years ago, but I didn’t think it would head down this road.

          It’s been hard coming on here every now and then talking about my grief when there’s another huge piece of the puzzle weighing on me. Yes, my grief is still the primary reason for my depression. I lost my pillar of strength. The only man who probably cared for me most in this world. I wish I could talk to him and get his advice on some things. He counseled so many married couples I would’ve loved to get his feedback. Moments like this make me miss him even more. Juggling the losses I’ve had in the last 5 years and having my marriage fall apart at the most crucial time in my life has me fighting to stay sane every 24 hours that I’m blessed to get. My journey has been a crazy one for sure, and I was so hesitant to share yet another obstacle. I’ve been reading my old posts and sometimes I can’t even believe the things that have happened. The crazy part is that it’s not even all of it. Lord, have mercy on me. I can’t do this alone.

Have you experienced grief/loss while also losing your marriage? How did you make it through? What helped you from sinking? If you have experienced this then I would love to hear your story. I’ll take all the tips I can get. Let me know in the comments below.