Elle Rey📚

          I think I entered a new phase of this journey a couple of weeks ago, and I’m not even sure what to call this phase. After I mentioned letting go in my last post, I thought I finally came into acceptance of a lot of things. I didn’t want to let go of the place I called home for so long, but I knew that I could no longer afford it. After trying so hard to find a way to keep it and not having any success, I felt like a failure. As soon as I signed the papers that I would be moving I immediately felt chest pains. My body reacts to stress in many ways, and these days I don’t know what symptoms are related to stress and anxiety, and what’s not. I have terrible anxiety, and with each new stage of stress it feels like I unlocks another symptom. Even though I hate chest pains, sometimes it’s better than some of my other anxiety symptoms. However, this time other pains started following behind one after another, and I wasn’t able to decipher if it was all stemming from stress or another health concern. So, I reached out to my doctor and days later she told me to go to urgent care just to be on the safe side, which I did. Thankfully, it was nothing major and I started to feel better this week. I’m trying to get my stress levels under control, but it’s been a challenge to say the least. It seems like once I signed those papers something broke inside of me. Maybe it’s because I tried so hard to keep it. Between all the job rejections and the scam letters I received I was just mentally and emotionally spent.

          Moving forward, I’m not sure what’s next outside of the move. I feel like the walls are closing in around me. It’s like I’m supposed to crack the code to the puzzle in order to keep the walls from smashing me into smithereens, but I just don’t have the answer. I am so tired, that I can’t even think straight. I’ve been on autopilot for weeks. It’s like I’m aware of everything around me, but I’m not aware at the same time. I have no idea what to call this phase. Maybe it’s another form of depression, maybe it’s detachment, maybe it’s mental exhaustion, or maybe it’s the overwhelming feeling of loss that has me in limbo. I feel like I’ve lost so much, and I’m not as in control as I would like to be. After being in this tunnel called life and still not being able to see a speck of light (to show me that I’m on the right path), it’s all starting to push me into this mental floating zone of protection. In other words, I’m disconnecting from what’s been happening for the sake of survival. All the anger that I was holding onto vanished about a week or two ago, and I’m not even sure why. I’ve just been in such a weird place. It’s like someone turned off gravity and I’m just floating through time. As much as I would rather feel a sense of nothingness than intense emotions of sadness or anger, I can’t stay in this headspace. I still need to find a way to push myself, because time doesn’t wait for anyone. I still have a ton of things that I need to do before the move, and there’s so much that I have to get in order.

          As I look back over my life, I can’t help but think about the old school video games I played as a child. The games where you would get stuck on a certain round and you never seem to get past it. Every time you try to beat that level; you somehow fall and your character reappears back at the same starting point. You keep trying, but you keep falling and reappearing back where you left off. That’s what life has been feeling like the last few years. It’s like what the hell is happening. However, I keep coming back to the one thing that I haven’t completed. The one thing I haven’t taken the leap on. I’m not sure if its fear mixed with imposter syndrome, but that’s my guess. I fear not being good enough. I fear that I’m reaching above my skill level. I fear having another failure after so much time and effort. I fear playing my last card and losing, because if I lose, I have nothing else. That’s it. So I guess knowing that there’s one more move that I haven’t played yet makes me feel a sense of safety, like there’s still a possibility. But if I play my last card, then I’ll be out of cards. It could go either way, and judging by my track record, it’s a move that I’m afraid to make. However, I will take the leap sooner rather than later because I don’t like living with the what ifs. I just hope this last move has me yelling: Uno! Jinga! Bingo! Yahtzee! Checkmate! Because after everything that has happened during the last few years, I really need a win.