The other day I had a conversation about what’s been going on lately. It has been a crazy December, and it all just seems a little too much sometimes. As I was confiding in a friend she just couldn’t believe everything that’s been happening with my family and I over the last few years. I told her it felt like we had our own personal “A” following us around, and she agreed with my sentiment. If you watch Pretty Little Liars, you get it. She said: “What is going on? You guys are going to have to do something different, because this is too much.” and I agree. At this point we do need to try something different in order to break whatever this is and finally stop this game of Jumanji from continuing. It was said to be a joke because of all the unreal stuff that has been happening, but it made me think. What would happen if I did something different? Not in the way I did things before, because there were many times when I would do something different to try to get something to work. But in this case, I’m talking about something completely different. No small adjustments, but something completely out of the ordinary. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe… just maybe… I need to rewire my whole way of thinking. This is the time for rebirth and renewal. I’ve been fighting for so long, to the point of exhaustion. I think it’s time to play smarter and not harder.
One thing that has always been hard for me is pretending. They say you have to fake it till you make it, but the closest thing I can fake is saying I’m fine when I know I’m not. Other than that, it’s challenging to reprogram my way of thinking to the point of it showing on the outside. In other words, I want to change the way I look at the world. No matter what I’ve been through, or what I’ve seen, I want to be as delusional as I was as a kid (maybe more). I’m still delusional in the sense that I still believe that grande things can still happen at any moment. If I didn’t believe that I would’ve given up completely. But what I’m saying is, I want to be mentally free. I’m always in my head. I’m always second guessing and shrinking. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety disorder in 2010, PTSD in 2011, and Major Depressive Disorder after that, and ever since then things have become more challenging with every hard-hitting life change. I want to regain control of my life, or maybe I never had control over it. I’ve tried so much to get through this, therapy, counseling, medication, and other methods (like journaling, hobbies, fitness & etc.), but I couldn’t shake it. I have to try something different.
At this point in my life, it’s my own mind that I have to go to war with. My anxiety symptoms have become unbearable and unpredictable. My body triggers easily to panic and discomfort. I have to program my mind to feel safe again. I have to reprogram my mind and undo all the damage from past circumstances. I have to learn that even though I wasn’t enough for him, doesn’t mean I’m not enough in general. I need to stop putting my flaws under a magnifying glass and start focusing on my good qualities. I need to root for myself out loud and not feel like I’m so undeserving of anything good, simply because of the words of one person. I have to believe that I AM enough, and that it’s not all over for me.
So how do I go about all of this? How do I take a different approach? Well… for one, it’s time to start auto correcting my mind. It’s time to replace every negative thought. Maybe I should start giving myself homework every time I have a negative thought about myself or my capabilities. Maybe that will hammer in some change into this brain of mine. For two, maybe I should stop shrinking and stop being so afraid of being misunderstood. We get one life; it shouldn’t matter if someone doesn’t like you or accept you. I kept hearing the phrase “Stop trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.” all year. It resonated with me deeply, because I always felt the need to overexplain everything because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. In reality, it shouldn’t be that deep. You can’t please everyone. It’s okay to not be someone’s cup of tea. And last but not least, I want to try outlandish methods on my journey to becoming who I was meant to be. I’ve been an out-of-the-box person all of my life, so why did I ever think that staying in the lines was the way to go??? I have to be true to myself, but that means I’m going to have to let go of the restraints of fear and limitations. Hopefully… I’ll find a way to do that. It’s time for something different.
Elle Reyđź“š 