As the month of June comes to an end, I thought it would be a suitable time for an update on my journey to peace. So much has happened since my last Chasing Peace update seven months ago, but I’m going to just give the cliff notes to my peace journey. As I mentioned in the last update, I started medication and counseling. I was taking Zoloft and even though I noticed a difference, I still felt broken. I was then given an additional medicine for anxiety, which led me to three medications in total (one nighttime anxiety that I’ve always had for years that I only take when needed; Zoloft for depression and anxiety; and then Buspar for anxiety).
         I didn’t take Buspar for too long, and after 6 months on Zoloft I decided to go off the medicine gradually. I wasn’t a fan of the side effects (weight gain, extreme fatigue, hair thinning & etc.), and even though I knew it helped some, I still felt like a mess. I thought I could go back to a natural approach and do what I was doing in 2021, which was calming teas, calming magnesium powders, ashwagandha, CBD and other calming gummies. I figured doing that and adding daily journaling and exercise a few times a week would have it to where it could be manageable. I quickly learned that I could not go back to the old routine. All of my big anxiety symptoms came flooding back. It was a rough few weeks. I’m not sure if it was a bit of withdrawals or if it just showed me how the medication was actually doing more than I thought it was. It reminded me of how I felt the couple of months before I started taking them in the first place. To put it frank, I was a hot emotional mess! Now I’m on a new medication called Wellbutrin. Besides the first day, the symptoms haven’t been too bad. The headache that I experienced that first day was insane. I’ve never had a headache that lasted all day, and no pain reliever could calm it down. I immediately stopped taking it, but a few days later I started again by breaking it in half and taking only half a pill a day for a week. Once I started to take one full pill it wasn’t an issue. The other side effects consisted of mild constipation, insomnia, and weird sleep stuff (If you want me to go more into detail about that then comment below). After 2 weeks those symptoms faded, and I’m just glad that I’m not as tired and hungry as I was on Zoloft. I couldn’t get anything done on Zoloft and I was taking so much caffeine at that time. I am liking Wellbutrin so far; however, I did recently get the dosage increased (I have yet to start the higher dosage). June is typically a rough month for me. It’s when my grief is at an all-time high, so I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just the month that has my emotions so high. That’s my medication update, now let’s talk about my counseling update.
I started counseling a little bit before I started medication last year, and I must say that it’s been a little disappointing. My counselor is really nice, I like her, and it has nothing to do with her and her abilities. The downside was that I would feel defeated after almost every session. I held off getting help for so long that I tried so many things to fix the problem myself, and I guess I was more thorough than I thought I was. Ninety-five percent of the things she had suggested I’ve already tried. Almost nothing was new, and that made me feel like I didn’t have many options. It felt like I tried everything and I’m still nowhere near to feeling whole again, and it made me question if I would ever feel like my old self again. Will the world always look gray to me? When people step out and see color, I see gray, no matter how sunny it is or where I am. Out of the last few years, there have only been a few times that I’ve felt somewhat alive and not detached from myself (as far as doing things I once enjoyed). I’m still trying to find new ways to deal and heal. However, after 6 months of counseling I did stop going. They wanted to add grief counseling on top of that and maybe a grief group, but I just wanted a break from counseling. The feeling of walking away feeling defeated every time was just too much, and I wondered what if this were just one of the things that only time could fix. So, what’s next?
         Moving forward, I plan to continue my journey on Wellbutrin, and I will take the increased dosage if needed and I’ll talk about it during the next update. I’ve also been trying to connect more with God. I recently started to get back in touch with my spirituality last year after a 2-year hiatus of being so angry. I never knew how much I leaned into my spirituality during those hard moments until I went without it. I started taking it slow last year and now I’m turning it up a notch. I listen to sermons often. It’s like when a recovering addict is having a tough time and needs a meeting to get through the week or day, I put on a sermon to get through. It gives me a little extra strength to keep going and keep my head above water. Another thing I’ve been doing is focusing on the next chapter of my life. Grief may be the main cause of my pain, but there’s still a lot of other things that I’m dealing with right now, which makes this process even more difficult. To juggle it all, I’ve been in survival mode. I’ve been preparing myself and focusing on being ready for any potential life shifts. I wish I could say more about it, but I feel like I’m always so open and transparent, and I’m finding some things should be a little private. I guess I just wanted to be as transparent as I could just in case someone was going through the same thing. I wanted to let them know that they’re not alone, but sometimes a little mystery is needed.
Take care everyone, and feel free to share your story in the comments. I would love to hear about your journey with counseling, therapy, or medication. What helped your depression and anxiety the most? Are you experiencing grief at the moment? If so, what’s helping you the most right now?
Elle Reyđź“š 