Hello all! I just want to give a quick mental health update. In my last post in September, I mentioned how hard it’s been to shake this depression, and as much as I tried to get through this organically, I realized that I might need to take a different route with the health journey. As I stated previously, I did make a doctor’s appointment in September and had my appointment at the beginning of this month, and just as expected I was prescribed antidepressants for my depression and anxiety. I’ve tried so hard to steer away from daily medication, but I understand that sometimes it’s needed. I tried to do it my way for years, and that clearly didn’t work. So far, it’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve been on antidepressants. I haven’t been taking it long enough to make a difference in my depression, but I will say that I have noticed a difference in my anxiety. I don’t seem as on edge as usual. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or if it’s just one of those moments where I tend to be numb for a period of time. I seem to go back and forth from being overly emotional for months (like the beginning stages of my grief) to being numb and drained for a few months, and then the cycle repeats. So, I don’t know if it’s the meds making me feel like a robot, or if it’s just my usual season of numbness. I will say that I actually prefer feeling numb than overly emotional, and if it is due to the meds then I guess it’s worth it.
In addition to medication, I also started counseling. I’ve had 2 sessions this month and I will admit that I felt worse after my first session. Everything that my counselor suggested was things that I had already tried (except for taking antidepressants at that time). I walked away from that appointment feeling defeated and a little hopeless. It was then I realized that the medication was probably the only option, and that’s when I filled my prescription. My second session was after I started taking my medication, and she noticed that my anxiety scores have gone down, but my depression scores didn’t. She assured me that it would probably change after 4 to 6 weeks. I’m going to finish my sessions (I have about 3 to 4 left), but I will probably look into transitioning to actual therapy afterwards. At this very moment, I’m putting all of my eggs in the medication basket. I didn’t even realize how many things that I’ve tried on my own to pull myself out of this, and if this last resort doesn’t work then I have no clue what to do next. All I can do is hope for the best.
I will say that I am proud of myself for asking for help and taking the steps to get better. I was so tired, and I felt like I was drowning. As time went by, I realized that I wasn’t getting any better. My anxiety and depression were at its worst, and it got so hard that it felt like I couldn’t function. I just felt so broken. Enough was enough. I needed help and I made that call. I have a long way to go, but I’m ALWAYS going to fight for me. I’ve never been a quitter, and I didn’t want to succumb to this new normal. I was afraid of how deep a hole I would fall into. I am trying my best to climb out because I want more for myself. I don’t want to miss out on all that life has to offer. Life is short and life is precious. As much as it hurts to continue on without the loved ones that we’ve lost, I have to find a way to keep living. There are many people fighting for their lives every single day and doing everything they can for more years, months, weeks, and days. So how could I just throw mine away? I don’t want to take life for granted. I have goals, but before I can achieve those goals I need to be mentally well. I need to be a better version of myself.
Elle Rey📚 